BLOG: Regret (aimed apology/vent.)

I didn't mean to exclude you. I didn't realize I was. All I did was re-light a fire that had been brewing all day long. I hate that I love you. I hate it. 6 years, yeah sure, but still. 

I got somebody new. I'm supposed to move on but I couldn't. This was a real fun event, you weren't supposed to spend it like that. You're hurt and I get it. I don't want to place myself as a victim because you're right. We had boundaries and I wasn't going through with my part. 

As much as I want to love you and be with you, I can't. We're not healthy. We just fuel each other's fires temporarily and then we argue, as usual, and split. We don't truly provide anything to one another. In a friend way, sure, but as a relationship, we're fucking unstable. I can't even tell anybody. I'll honestly get jumped because I'm rlly js cheating on my bf.

I don't want to be that one who's a lying cheater. I really don't. It makes me feel so guilty but it feels like I can never let people go. My boyfriend had his own shit happen last night, I don't want to turn my back and tell him "Hey, that person you knew? That was my ex actually from years ago and I was cheating." 

I just wish I could let you go. I wish we had no history besides being friends. It'd be easier to see you as a friend instead of a comfort source. I hate seeing you hurt like that, seeing you cry. I truly do. The last thing I wanted to do last night was to make you feel like you being left out of the group. 

My mom knows I love you, and she knows you love me. But I really fucked up. As said, I don't want to be a victim, but we BOTH need to stop trying to make a relationship out of whatever we have. It'll never work. 

I love you, I truly do, I just kinda wish I didn't, cause if I didn't, things could've been fine. I shouldn't ever be the reason you feel like you have to fight or go to a damn hospital. If you're there though, I wish you the best. I'm sorry, again, even if it doesn't mean anything to you.