body image struggles

TW!!!! mentions of ed and sh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

since i can always remember i have struggled with my body and how i believe it's being perceived from the outside.

the earliest memory i have of this is from when i was in primary school and my mom used to always buy diet-friendly cereal. i was very young and naive and thought that the more i ate of them, the more i would lose weight. to this day my mom talks about it as something fond and funny while to me it just brings back a lot of uncomfortable feelings.

in primary school i was the first girl in all my school year to get my period and was told by everyone not to speak about it ever to anyone (keep in mind i went to catholic school). i remember being very confused as to what was happiening and why there were so many changes happening in my body. i remember my chest growing at around 10 years old and getting severe back pain from it...i still played with dolls at this point.

in middle school i started going through puberty and having very bad feelings of unease with how i looked. i was significantly taller and bigger than other classmates especially in first year while also still liking rather childish things like tinkerbell or hello kitty. i was made fun of a lot by other girls in my grade for my bigger build and also by boys i had crushes on. 

one time during my second year of middle school i competed in my school's mini olympics in shot put and managed to arrive third. when i went on the podium i realised a bunch of kids from the section that the boy i very obviously had a crush on (basically almost everyone knew) were laughing at me. since then i always made sure never to play or participate in any physical activity due to how embarassed i was of myself.

around this time my dad also moved countries and the only times he would visit he would take me out to eat a lot and i have no idea if this had anything to do with my emotional response but i started stress eating a lot going into high school.

in high school i actually got along with many of my classmates despite being very "cringey" and liking odd stuff like kpop, anime, or boy bands in general...i was already super into bandoms (still am today). however getting into kpop made me even more insecure about my body and i often compared myself to how those singers and performers looked. 

even during high school whenever i had crushes on boys or girls, i was often too embarassed to say anything or if i did i was immediately rejected often publicly and very rudely. at summer camp in high school once when a guy found out that i liked him he cornered me in the bathroom until i was crying in the cubicle and he kept saying "i cant believe someone like you would like me"...looking back i would've probably beat his ass...

it was around my third year of high school that i developed an ed and lost a lot of weight...this happened after my mom said "you're very pretty but you'd look so much better if you lost a couple pounds". so she, my aunt, and i went on a super strict diet that was most likely not ok for a girl at 16 years old. 

anyways, it was around this time that my mom and even my grandparents started being nicer and more affectionate towards me. i also spent all my time studying and making sure i was always at the top of my class. until it all kind of just collapsed, i was very unwell and had zero energy throughout the day and started getting extrememly depressed.

i told my mom about my ed and she didn't really have a reaction at all but she did pay me through my hospitalisation and recovery. however i vividly remember her being confronted by my psychiatrist about her comments on my body and she to this day defends herself saying it was only for my own good that she said those things.

when covid hit i was forced to continue my recovery online and ultimately i somehow managed to get better mainly on my own since i was also dropped by my therapist after a couple months and we were all in quarantine.

it was during covid that i moved to the uk for university and i still was very insecure and had a hard time eating regular meals. i remember feeling often su*cidal and feeling like i didn't know what i was doing with myself in another country during a global pandemic. looking at old pics of myself in that period i was so obviously trying to be someone i wasn't to fit in in hopes of making friends and being accepted. i was very skinny for my complexion but i thought i was so ugly and it baffles me to this day...

even though while in the uk i had my first romantic experiences i still felt very inadequate and felt like i was trying to be someone i wasn't. i also struggled a lot with anxiety and attatchment issues which ruined a lot of my relationships. around this time i was diagnosed with audhd and looked into talk therapy. i also started taking antidepressants which helped a little but made me gain a lot of weight. so i started exercising a lot, playing sports twice a week, going to the gym, and doing yoga. but i still wasn't happy and hated how i looked and felt horrible.

i had a couple very bad talking stages where i was always on the edge and kept thinking that if i was skinnier or prettier it wouldn't be that way, that i would be someone's first choice if i wasn't so ugly / "fat" (spoiler: that's not how it works). one in particular was so bad i even attempted. a week later i was also fired from my job and was forced to move back to italy.

it was very hard for me when i moved back with my mom. i left all my friends behind and had little to no connections in my home country which sounds insane but was very true. i had gained a lot of weight since i moved to the uk and my mom was very vocal about it. she often wpuld talk about it to my aunt saying that since british people are unhealthy i felt like i could just let myself go...which is insane!

i also enrolled in a master's program in fashion in 2023 and a lot of people on my course were very fatphobic to anyone who wasn't "skinny enough", not in a bully type of way but they would often comment on my appearance unwarrented. for example one time i was queuing at the vending machine and when i expressed wanting to get a chocolate bar someone said "yeah i don't think you need that", or calling bigger people who dressed in maximalist styles "party favors". thank god i found a great therapist and psychiatrsit comination around then. 

i gained a lot of weight again when i changed my medication (although i definetly feel better on them now) and was going through a lot of stress finding a job after my graduation so around that time i started drinking a lot and harming myself. i would spend my weeks on my computer sending applications, sleeping, and drinking while spending the little money i had on partying. when i finally found a position a year later i was so happy but also scared of what it was gonna be like commuting to work and maintaining a good lifestyle for myself.

although at first it was hard, i now get along very well with my coworkers. my boss who i didn't get along with has now left and i feel much less anxiety in general. i still hear a lot of triggering conversations around me, im gonna be real cause office diet culture is insane and i have fallen victim to it for a few months where, once again, i was complimented by a lot of people for how much weight i was losing...even by my therapist. sometimes my colleagues who are much tinier than me complain of how big they are or comment on how having larger chests make clothes look more vulgar while im standing right beside them...

i do feel like my mindset is much more open and healthier but sometimes when i look at myself in pictures and in the mirror (like now for example) i still feel a lot of shame and embarassment for who i am and how i look. experimenting with alternative fashion styles and makeup has been helping me loads and has given me a safe space to explore myself, my values, and my approach to life in general. i have met many likeminded people through these communities which is helping me loads even if i still even today struggle a lot.

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SORRY for this enormous post but whenever i hear people talk about their similar experiences it pushes me to want to do the same:) if you wanna comment with your own experiences it would mean a lot!