brandy melville ruined my life

over summer i bought some off shoulder tops from brandy melville and i think thats truly why everything is no longer enjoyable . im not fat , so the issue isn't that i can't the clothes , the issue is that ive become aware of my body and its proportions . i have 16" shoulders , 34" hips , 24" waist , 32dd's . my hips and waist are fine its my shoulders that really causing me to hate my body , all the girls i follow on social media are so petite and skinny with narrow shoulders and long torsos and wide hips and i actually wanted to start making videos like them on tiktok but ive realised id be the odd one out because : im not underweight , i have wide shoulders , im skinny fat , im dark . im light skinned so not dark dark , but more on the yellow/green side so im not pale like ice spice (i wish tho) 

so for months ive been basically hating everything about myself from my body , to my hair , to my facial features . im not even ugly but i truly truly wish i was mixed with white so i could have a looser hair texture with coloured doe eyes and pale skin with blonde or brunette hair . its gotten to the point where im happy most of my friends are on the bigger + darker side so i look skinnier and lighter compared to them . i don't even take my friends opinions of me seriously because i see them as below me . i can no longer really enjoy social events because i can FEEL how much space my shoulders take up . when i measured my shoulders the other day , i knew i was gonna get upset by the measurement but i did it anyway and i genuinely spent the rest of that day crying over it 

 its so stupid to think that if i never ordered those tops i would've never noticed any of this . i hate my shoulders so much and there's nothing i could ever do to make them smaller and making my lower body thicker to balance it out is something i don't want to do . i want to be underweight with a triangle shape and a thigh gap with european features and small boobs