brother.

i have found myself looking at my writings again and again. maybe searching for an answer that i myself don't ever have.

i have found myself looking up at you, if you like it or not it's none of my business, nor yours.

i hate that she talks to me, to be honest. i despise every second yet i don't tell her to shut up -i can't, anyway-

does anyone have the guts to shut me up?

you did. at an age i can't remember.

you always despised me, for some reason i don't and i'll never know. 

you wrecked me, after all. a person who should be with you, who should be there and smooth things out, more because of how things were. i suppose that should mean you are sick from the head since you were born. otherwise this doesnt make any sense.

who would do that to a kid? a sick kid.

i don't let myself think about it too much. it made me feel dirty at some points of my life, and i think it still does, or it will still do. i just ignore your existence the same way you do with mine. with some exceptions, like when mom fainted. or when you were leaving our house, it was weird to have you so close.

we were never close. we arent. we won't be. not after what you did to me.

i don't know if you remember it, i'm afraid if it's my mind twisting it all, that's probably why i never had said it exactly out loud. not even to my psychologist, even tho he knew after all. i never said it out loud. never said who did it. i think you know it was you.

i don't see myself looking up at you like other people would do to their siblings. you're no less smarter than me, you're irreponsible, you're not organized, we're both clean, at least, you saw me in my worst and never handed me a hand like i wish you did. i know you saw my vivid scars and you never ever tried to reach to me. 

i would have if it was the other way around.

i would have done a lot of things.

you're not me so i will never be you nor look up at you.

if you ever wreck someone like you wrecked me, i'll say it out loud finally. but i hope it never happens, even if it makes me worse in the head after all. I prefer to be more sick than for anyone to have through what I've been through thanks to you.

can you take me home, after all, brother?