chapters

i always feel like such an old head when im having troubles navigating a website like i am rn lol i just created my account[ *_* ] 

i guess im here because i used to write in journals, but i wanted to try something new. i lost my favorite journal a long time ago and i still look for it.. i wanna write in it so bad and update it on all of the crazy changes in my life, im a completely different person from the last time i wrote in it. i still write from time to time when my emotions are static, mostly thinking about a crush lol.... but i should talk about myself more and what i think and express my feelings because im such a sheltered person, i never let anyone know whats going on inside like its poker..... im not saying im stoic, or dead inside- im extremely outgoing and friendly or at least i strive to be, but truly im a jackass at heart lol. but i bottle everything up inside and i dont let people know about my personal struggles or accomplishments i keep alot of things to myself. my biggest flaw is my way of handling emotions.. i dont let myself cry 

my cats health has been declining rapidly these past two weeks- shes now 20 years old and her age is catching up, shes been a very lively cat up until this point, shes always been very active and attentive for a cat whos 20 years old, i almost beleived she was immortal. my parents got her before i was born, my mom told me that she would lay on her belly when she was pregnant with me but since i was born me and this cat have been inseparable. 3 days ago i took her to the vet because of her behavioral change, her weight was dropping fast, her breath started to stink, and she was loosing balance in her hind legs. the vet told me her breath was bad because of a gum infection- hence why she wasn't eating and her wobbliness was because of a neurological disorder, they told me to use antibiotics to clear the infection and just acomidate to her new drunken walk. i asked them to do a bloodwork sample just to make sure, when they came back they told me she had no living kidney cells and her kidneys have completely failed. the vets then started saying it was best to put her down then and there, and i cried. i had work in 20 minutes and i wasn't given enough time to process her time is now, i knew it was coming but i hoped she would make it to my birthday at least. the vets told me it was ok to take her home and think about it but then they started discussing doing it the following morning, but if i started my shift in 20 minutes and worked untill 11 and fall asleep at 1 i would only have an extra hour and 20 minutes with my best friend. i cried when i got home from the vet and a small tear shed at work. i cried last night when she didn't want to lay in bed with me like she always does, i moved my cd player to where she was laying in my living room and played an elliot smith cd, i qued it at the same time as my phone so when i was seperated from her it felt comforting to know we were hearing the same songs. i cried today when i was driving to go pick up my friend with my cat, my friend asked if she could come with me to take my cat to this river i used to take her to all the time. when i first took my cat to this river it was so green and full of life, there were ducks and beavers and geese and fish, i would see families bring their kids to play in the bank, friends fishing together, people walking their dogs, and bikers using the trails, but when we went today the water was significantly lower, there was all sorts of trash, it stunk like seweage, no wildlife, the grass and flowers were dead, the trees leaves were wilting and when you looked into the bush there were homeless camps just about everywhere and a significant population of the homeless. the guilt of taking my cat somewhere weve spent hours together one last time and it being in such a decrepit state and not the peaceful river where the birds once sang thier songs hangs deep, i can do nothing but apologize to her that i couldn't bring her peace to her final days. i cried once i got home when i told my mom i was scared for her to die. and im crying a little bit right now.

 i put her to rest tomorrow, but ive come to terms with it, its nature of life and its bound to happen, im more than proud with the life ive given her and the amount of love shes surounded by means more than anything, shes lived a beautiful live and im so beyond greatful for everythings shes done for me, because truly its been alot. i feel like i should be more affected by her passing in the sense i would be more emotional and going insane because ive been going through so much mentally these past few months. ive been feeling like im spiraling. this sounds super messed up but a part of me is seeing her passing as a new chapter of my life and to more growth for myself, ideally i wish she could stick around because theres still so much i want to do and have her be included in on, like i want her to meet my first boyfriend and i need her approval and opinion on decisions i will make. maybe her passing will help open doors or something, like you must lose to gain sort of situation. i hope her passing helps me understand myself better in a way and helps me grow as a person. like this is what i kind of need in order to change for the better and for worse, any change is good, 

whoops anyways sorry i hope nobody reads this geez bye, goodnight 

im not even proof reading this its 4 in the morning im going to sleep right abouttt now