charlie's july - a poem (please don't take it. this is very personal to me.)

i dunno if anyone's gonna see this, this is just something stupid i ended up writing when trying to watch brighton crew. this has happened a few times and i've never posted them (they're usually ramblings) but i think i'm gonna post this one, it's more organised since it's a poem and it might help me or someone else going though something similar feel better :)

i might try do one of these every day (not about being depressed but like just life in general xD also myspace coming back?? i'm so hyped!!)

i'm also gonna put an explanation of the poem at the end, as i feel like it's confusing (mainly the pronouns switching every 2 lines, not the actual content)

please don't pity me, i am OK!! <3 

(i'm sorry i don't know how to remove the highlight :( !!)

i constantly feel like i'm doing something wrong,
i feel inhuman, out of place, something that doesn't belong.
i have this constant feeling of dread that won't go away,
i can't stop thinking of what they may say.

i don't go out much anymore,
i'm too scared to go to sophomore.
so i'll sit alone, in this little room,
i'll look out the window, at impending doom.
i will dream of a slump where i constantly fail,
i could try as i might, but to no avail.

i'll lie awake at night, constantly restless,
some friends, but also friendless.
to no one, can i any longer open up to,
i've been silenced, cursed, to forever feel blue. all the while i asphyxiate in the sea,
everyone smiling, happy as can be.
some days i wonder if they'd be better off,
if i left, with my sorrows, and simply shut off.

as he glances around, meeting no eye,
a single drop and he begins to cry.
he never understood why he was held so high
"others have made mistakes, so why can't i?"

again and again, she will never forget
all the times we've awoken in a cold sweat.
every time we go dizzy, every time we suffer,
we were a bother, i'll always remember.

i never meant to put this on you,
but apologies mean nothing, i knew it too.
because i forget, you can see inside of my head,
i'm a cheat, a fraud, a liar, a horrible friend.

there is clearly no difference between me and her,
and even then, no chance to repent.

every human is an omniscient being,
at the very least us, and so you're hereby decreeing,
"bee cannot make a single mistake,
for she knows all, so we'll grab the stake,
tie her up and burn the insides,
starved and exhausted? no, she was fine,
she wasn't panicked, she wasn't hurt, did this on purpose,
so now we'll sit and watch her die."

ok so this is really childish and stupid but

ever since i was born, i've had these people in my head. "imaginary friends", if you will, but at the same time, not really. i guess, a mix of that and an AU in my head?

[these people have changed a few times, like in 2015 and 2021 and 2023 it was all different people. originally they were based off my real life friends (2015 were 2 of my best friends in kindergarten) but then they started being based off characters (2021 it was an anime character and a girl from a show i watched), and now, i guess he's an OC?? idrk, he's just a bunch of musicians/characters smooshed together i'd say]

that's not too relevant though, i just wanted some preface. anyways, this "friend" has helped me out A LOT. it's weird, but whenever something goes wrong, i've had to daydream. (i ususally always have music on and so it is pretty easy) he always appears in these daydreams and comforts me, and it's a coping mechanism maybe?? anyways, he's kinda just like a little entity in my head (heh.. entity 303 /niche reference (that's a joke, minecraft isn't niche i know)), and i kind of see him as a part of me, the part of me that comforts people, whenever someone is upset i feel like i always tend to "become him", in a sense, even if he isn't real. i'm not too sure if this is healthy, but yeah. don't do it, cuz idk if this is good or not, but if it is then you should cuz thats good 

ok anyways so that's why the pronouns switch to "we" and "he". because since he is a part of me, he sees it too. (his name is Charlie James Green, if anyone cares. he's also born May 10, 2011) anyways. 

also for the lines "there is clearly no difference between me and her, and even then, no chance to repent" - her is NOT referring to me, but another girl completely unrelated to me, lol :p