choking on the rural atmosphere and then scared failing

for this passing week, my family and i have been staying at our secondary home, which is newly built around a year ago, not far from our primary residence. our place here is pretty isolated, we're literally right in the middle of a rural countryside, with rice fields, active agriculture scene, heavy forest landscape, sparsely located communities et cetera.

we usually stay in this house for the weekend when my siblings (with family) are also coming. but this time it's different as there are only me, my dad and mom staying here. 

the quiet here is different than our apartment we live in. in our apartment, we could hear elevators going up and down or the jingling keys of our next door neighbors. but like here, it's like....

i'm the only one breathing and when it's dark, it goes completely pitch black, almost like nobody is going to save you. 

we still have neighbors though but they keep to themselves and shut their doors so others wouldn't see inside their space. i understand that most of these houses are also empty bc i learned from my dad that the owners are retirees who built a house here just like us, only come here once in a while then leave when bored. 

okay but like i'm not suffocated or anything but i'm particularly scared of the dark. not just any dark, i'm okay with passing along an empty country road or a graveyard at night in a car bc at least i know i'm safe once i get home. 

living here when there are only 3 of us feels like walking through those country roads and graveyards, exposed and helpless at night. like everything is left to your own devices to survive. i can't totally rest knowing that i'm still unfamiliar of the dark here.

i have to holler loudly and sometimes in a funny tone, to my parents' call whenever they shout out for me. when i'm feeling vulnerable, i want to be there when others call so i won't feel alone.

it's a much larger house compared to our apartment, walking to one living space to another take quite a distance whereas our apartment had our kitchen, dining room and living room in one large space. 

for the sake of saving electricity, we turn the lights off before moving to other rooms and bc i'm not used to staying for a longer period in a big house, i try to avoid peeking out into the distance behind me whenever i'm moving across rooms. like when i'm at the hallway from the living room or from the kitchen into the dining/center space, i try to ignore my imagination that something out the window or a hidden figure might caught me dead in the eye. 

the back of our house is basically a whole forest, like straight up banana trees, overgrown bushes, thick shrubs and brush, the landscape stretches over miles. i never dared myself to check the windows looking out the "backyard" bc lord knows what i would see. 

i am not pleasant that there are banana trees in the backyard too, banana trees are often associated as the home to malevolent spirits and a vampiress in our local folklore. this is why i don't want to joke around about ghosts and hauntings when i stay here.

it doesn't matter if nobody died here, ghosts and demons probably have already occupied their homes here before we did. 

if you walk a bit further from here, our place is pretty much near a swamp area.

there are still houses but they are scattered far from each other. everything is so still and slow, i mean duh, living in a rural area can be disturbingly quiet. i wonder if a lot of these shabby houses are abandoned.

p.s swamps are also associated with being homes to spirits.... i fear for these people who live in the area.

i don't like that i'm not used to the darkness, my mind tend to wander off with negative thoughts. at our ole apartment, at least when i flip the switch, i feel familiar enough with the darkness as i'd been in it and felt it all around me. this house is very new and although i know the floor plan with my eyes closed, i do not feel completely safe to walk around alone? 

at night, when everyone is asleep, the cogs in my brain work through various scary thoughts. alone in my room, i try to scratch or scribble over my mind that loops stuff like

"DON'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR" 

"DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU"

"SOMEONE IS OUTSIDE" 

"SOMEONE IS LOOKING AT YOU UNDER THE DINING TABLE" 

like please, shut up for a second. i'm unfortunately a night owl and a light sleeper, so with these thoughts roaming around, i get TEN TIMES scared to sleep at night. i am spooked by the unfamiliarity of the atmosphere, like this is literally the first fight-or-flight feeling i'd get from the darkness since i was 10 years old. 

i guess i'm kind of like in a five nights at freddy's situation but my only enemy are my thoughts and the manifestations that come out of them? tonight i'm gonna pull out all possible distractions so i would not be too submerged in the horrors of overthinking and curiosity from hearing a rustle outside of my room. 

and god please, don't make me focus too much on things in the corner of my peripheral perspectives. turn those hushed sounds away from my mind as i hear them, i hope my strength increases and my diversions are enough to last for the eternal night.