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8 hours ago (edited) Report 👍

I know you apologized probably twenty times throughout your post, but you genuinely don't have anything to apologize for. You aren't bothering anyone by asking for help. If anything, I'm glad you wrote it instead of keeping it inside.

The first thing I'd recommend is making an appointment with a doctor (a general practitioner is completely fine). Tell them everything you wrote here. They can order some blood work, especially a Complete Blood Count (CBC), because things like anemia can cause exhaustion, brain fog, memory problems and trouble concentrating. I'd also ask them to check things like iron, ferritin, vitamin B12, folate, vitamin D and thyroid function if they think it's appropriate. Deficiencies or hormone problems can make someone feel exactly like their brain suddenly "slowed down." If you're taking medication and you've noticed things getting worse after starting it (or even while taking it), tell the doctor that too, sometimes medications themselves can contribute to symptoms.

At the same time, I really think it would be worth talking to a psychologist or another mental health professional if possible. A lot of what you wrote; especially not enjoying anything anymore, feeling guilty for existing, believing you're bothering everyone, pretending to be happy, feeling detached from yourself, and thinking maybe you shouldn't exist even though you want to can happen with depression, anxiety, burnout, or other conditions. I'm not saying that's definitely what's happening because nobody online can diagnose you, but it absolutely deserves an evaluation instead of you carrying it alone.

The part where you said you feel like "a drone watching a human body" really stood out to me, some people describe something similar when they're experiencing depersonalization or derealization, which are forms of dissociation. It's actually more common than people realize, especially during periods of chronic stress, anxiety, trauma, depression, or exhaustion. Again, that doesn't mean that's definitely what you're experiencing, but it's something worth mentioning to a psychologist because they hear descriptions like yours more often than you might think.

About your mom: I can tell how much you love her. But helping your mom doesn't have to mean doing huge chores every day. If she keeps saying no when you offer, maybe ask for something very specific instead of "Can I help?" For example: "Can I wash the dishes tonight?" "Can I fold the laundry?" "Can I vacuum one room?" Sometimes parents refuse because "Can I help?" feels vague and they don't want to think of something in the moment. A specific task is easier to say yes to. Or you could try doing those chores without asking, just in case she doesn't "yes" because she doesn't want to bother you. Also, taking care of yourself is also helping her. I imagine your mom would much rather know what's really going on than have you suffer silently because you're trying to protect her.

As for forgetting to drink water, don't rely on your memory if your memory is struggling right now. Let something else remember for you. Set recurring alarms on your phone. Keep a bottle wherever you spend most of your time so you see it constantly. Drink a little whenever you finish using the bathroom, before every meal, or every time you pick up your phone. There are even apps that send reminders if that helps. 

You call yourself lazy, spoiled and bratty over and over again, but then you describe someone who drops food because they're exhausted, struggles to process sentences, can't remember things, feels disconnected from themselves and is trying anyway. Those two pictures don't match. Lazy people generally don't spend paragraphs wishing they had the energy to do things they love. They don't feel guilty because they can't clean, cook, learn or help their family. You don't sound like someone who doesn't care.

Please also tell someone in your life how serious this has become. Since you mentioned your mom already knows a little, maybe show her this post instead of trying to explain it all from memory. Sometimes it's easier to let someone read what you wrote than to find all the words again. You don't have to carry this alone just because she's busy. I can almost guarantee she'd rather know how much you're struggling than have you pretend to be cheerful for years.

You aren't weak for feeling like this. You aren't making it up because people have seen you smile. People can laugh, joke around, and still be struggling deeply inside. Those things are not mutually exclusive.