(if you are here to have fun dont read this, this isnt fun)
(if you are here to be happy dont read this this isnt happy)
(dont read this if you are under 18(a child, even if you think you are big you are still a kid))
(if you are easily disturbed (there is NO shame in being easily disturbed, please dont be embarrased if you are and dont force yourself to read something disturbing)
(please im sorry if im disturbing anyone)
I want help if you know how can i solve whats going on
i always feel like im disturbing everyone. My brain has started working slow and it has been getting slower and it used to think pretty fast. My memory is getting blurry and i used to have really good memory, now i cant remember what was two seconds ago and i am forgeting stuff so quickly. I have been worse at typing, writing, and talking. I would mispronounce and misspell stuff i used to know how to spell, or skip or replace a word when talking or writing, or even say it wrongly, or not remembering the word i want to use at all but i know it exists. It never happened before i always used to talk very nicely and think very fast. Now not only is my memory blurry, but i barely process whats going on which never happened before, now i cant focus on anything or do anything. I cannot read a single sentence without rereading it a few times to get what is going on and understand it. THat never happened before i always processed things really fast. Idk why this is happening everything seems foggy and blurry and i have no energy for anything. I have always felt like i dont exist and like im just some kind of drone looking at me in a third person looking fro what dumb decisions will i make next. I always felt like a drone watching a walking human body with no personality will or opinions. If i was sad i would cry but i cant cry, when it gets really bad i cant even cry thats awful usually when ppl cry they feel better but i cant cry. I also hate how i find everything exausting at least i can bath bc i would just sit in a bath but even that is exausting to me even sleeping is exausting. I know i sound like a super lazy person its because i am but have not always been lazy, and i would hate to call myself lazy and i would do anything to not be lazy. I was always very active and full of energy anf hated doing nothing, now i dont have the energy to even talk or walk. Nothing even makes me happy anymore. When i was sad just a simple thing like a happy song i like or a food i like would cheer me up. Now it doesnt and i cant even eat or drink bc i never feal thirsty or hungry, yet i always feel hungry. I always wanna eat but i cant eat bc i feel gross, it feels gross and i wanna throw up and i sued to love food. And i dont mean literally throw up, i mean i just feel gross for no reason and cant eat it bc it grosses me out for no reason even if i like it, bu i eat it anyway bc i dont wanna starve but yet im starving even if i eat non stop bc like i said, i still eat food even if it grosses me out sometimes bc its food i like and the "i wanna throw up" and "grossing me out" feelings have nothing to do with the taste of the food, i just feel already full even if i didnt eat anything but yet i feel starving at the same time. I do not feel thirst at all so im trying to remember to drink water but like i said i have bad memory, but i do remind myself to drink water sometimes even if i dont feel thirsty at all. Nothing entertains me bc i can do nothing fun. I would like to do some things but i am too tire and too exausted and everything is too tiring for me even just watching or listening to something fun. I just cant pay attention even if i was good at paying attention even to the tiniest details i cant pay attention to anything anymore. I am also tired by everything, like changing my clothes, finding what to wear, brushing my teeth, finding socks, finding a missing slipper, changing underwear, finding where i left something around my house, drinking water, eating, walking, sitting, petting my cat, playing with my cat, making stuff to eat, paying attention to literally anything. There is so much stuff i wanna learn but i cant bc i cant pay attention to anything anymore like i used to. Im so exausted that when i try to make something to eat all the food falls on the floor from my hands or from the table, i always drop or burn something, and at the end i dont even wanna eat it but i do bc im hungry. Cleaning is also hard for me but i wanna cry i dont wanna allow myself to be lazy. I feel awful for feeling like this and sometimes feel like i shouldnt exist but i want to exist. I feel very embarrased by even admitting this and saying this even if its anonymous. I get embarrased by existing bc what if im embarrasing others. My sister always tells me not to embarras her. And if you are wondering how im acting in real life im acting cheerful and happy bc i have always liked cheerful and happy stuff and stated stuff that would make someone sad. I was always energetic had good memory and noticed everything and even the tiniest things cheered me up. I continued behaving like that bc thats how i wanna be like i was before. And i dont wanna imagine my parents reaction to how i feel even if i tell my mom sometimes. I think i may be just pretending to be sad. To everyone who i told how i feel, i told them like it has been the recent few days and not years, and they always say something like "no you were not sad i have seen you happy, and i heared you laugh multiple times" and i told them how i feel like it was lasting just a few days... What would they think if they found out it was a few years. I told my mom it was a few years but my mom isnt feeling the best either so i wanna seem very happy for her. My mom is very busy and overworked that is probably why she is sometimes rude to me and she really is overworked i wish i could help her but i cant. I offer to cook or clean something if shee needs me to but she doesnt wanna invite me to, i think she doesnt wanna bother me but knowing if i helped her just a minimum would make me feel a tiny bit better and like i did something even if i did the bare minimum. I know i shouldnt be proud of myself for doing the bare minimum its something everyone should do thats bratty and thats spoiled and thats like i already said lazy. But i do wanna help her. I also just wanna have fun but i dont have the energy to when i was really sad some tiny things cheered me up now nothing can bc i dont have the energy for anything, not to even watch anything or to listen to anything, ot do anything simple. Dont think im tired i sleep enough and have no problems sleeping. I am drinking some medicine btw and its not helping i think i have been drinking them for a while and it somehow got worse but just randomly at some point. I also cant even form opinions anymore bc thinking is exausting and it drains my energy im so sorry for that i wish i could think more but i cant i cant even do that. There is alsmost nothing i want or dont want but there are things i wish, like getting this awful feeling solved so i can think of what to do, actually do stuff, and learn stuff. There are also more things that im to embarrased to say even saying that im embarrased makes me embarrased even if this is anonymous. I am embarrased of so much stuff but i want it to stop i feel like i need to tell more stuff but thats it for now, i think im embarrased just by thinking these things and deciding to write it and even post it, im sorry. Im sorry a lot im sorry. I sometimes dont wanna get better bc i dnt, but i do want but i dont but iwant but idk how but idk if ishould but idk if i want to and idk if i should and idk if that would make verything worse and more reasons im embarrased about but i would rather be embarrased and sad than do som things i hate that happy ppl do that i find disgusting, so if i become happy and disgusting i would rather be sad its ok i just wanna have energy to do basic tasks its ok if im sad i just want energy to do anything no matter how little or stupid. (maybe if i get to a decent amound of happy mixed with a decent amount of sad and awful i would be more functional but still the things i dont want to happen wont happen if i try to keep myself at least a little amount or a decent amount of being sad, but functional) Thank you for reading im already embarrased of what i wrote but i hope you dont mind it than you if you read this thank you sorry for bothering and bye, i feel so ashamed, i hope you know how can i fix anything. Thank you everyone again and bye.
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Coco ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ
I know you apologized probably twenty times throughout your post, but you genuinely don't have anything to apologize for. You aren't bothering anyone by asking for help. If anything, I'm glad you wrote it instead of keeping it inside.
The first thing I'd recommend is making an appointment with a doctor (a general practitioner is completely fine). Tell them everything you wrote here. They can order some blood work, especially a Complete Blood Count (CBC), because things like anemia can cause exhaustion, brain fog, memory problems and trouble concentrating. I'd also ask them to check things like iron, ferritin, vitamin B12, folate, vitamin D and thyroid function if they think it's appropriate. Deficiencies or hormone problems can make someone feel exactly like their brain suddenly "slowed down." If you're taking medication and you've noticed things getting worse after starting it (or even while taking it), tell the doctor that too, sometimes medications themselves can contribute to symptoms.
At the same time, I really think it would be worth talking to a psychologist or another mental health professional if possible. A lot of what you wrote; especially not enjoying anything anymore, feeling guilty for existing, believing you're bothering everyone, pretending to be happy, feeling detached from yourself, and thinking maybe you shouldn't exist even though you want to can happen with depression, anxiety, burnout, or other conditions. I'm not saying that's definitely what's happening because nobody online can diagnose you, but it absolutely deserves an evaluation instead of you carrying it alone.
The part where you said you feel like "a drone watching a human body" really stood out to me, some people describe something similar when they're experiencing depersonalization or derealization, which are forms of dissociation. It's actually more common than people realize, especially during periods of chronic stress, anxiety, trauma, depression, or exhaustion. Again, that doesn't mean that's definitely what you're experiencing, but it's something worth mentioning to a psychologist because they hear descriptions like yours more often than you might think.
About your mom: I can tell how much you love her. But helping your mom doesn't have to mean doing huge chores every day. If she keeps saying no when you offer, maybe ask for something very specific instead of "Can I help?" For example: "Can I wash the dishes tonight?" "Can I fold the laundry?" "Can I vacuum one room?" Sometimes parents refuse because "Can I help?" feels vague and they don't want to think of something in the moment. A specific task is easier to say yes to. Or you could try doing those chores without asking, just in case she doesn't "yes" because she doesn't want to bother you. Also, taking care of yourself is also helping her. I imagine your mom would much rather know what's really going on than have you suffer silently because you're trying to protect her.
As for forgetting to drink water, don't rely on your memory if your memory is struggling right now. Let something else remember for you. Set recurring alarms on your phone. Keep a bottle wherever you spend most of your time so you see it constantly. Drink a little whenever you finish using the bathroom, before every meal, or every time you pick up your phone. There are even apps that send reminders if that helps.
You call yourself lazy, spoiled and bratty over and over again, but then you describe someone who drops food because they're exhausted, struggles to process sentences, can't remember things, feels disconnected from themselves and is trying anyway. Those two pictures don't match. Lazy people generally don't spend paragraphs wishing they had the energy to do things they love. They don't feel guilty because they can't clean, cook, learn or help their family. You don't sound like someone who doesn't care.
Please also tell someone in your life how serious this has become. Since you mentioned your mom already knows a little, maybe show her this post instead of trying to explain it all from memory. Sometimes it's easier to let someone read what you wrote than to find all the words again. You don't have to carry this alone just because she's busy. I can almost guarantee she'd rather know how much you're struggling than have you pretend to be cheerful for years.
You aren't weak for feeling like this. You aren't making it up because people have seen you smile. People can laugh, joke around, and still be struggling deeply inside. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
Sorry for the overly long comment
by Coco ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ; ; Report