i'm so sorry. i hear you're tired, exhausted. god, you're laying on the bottom of the ocean, i would say. but keep hanging on. if that's laying in bed all day, doing nothing, sleeping, i dont care. keep living. i know killing yourself might not be an active thought for you, but i dont know, maybe someday it will, and if there's anything i've learnt from my own rock bottom is that: no matter how shit it's now. you have to keep living. you need to breathe. let your heart beat. if you feel dead, you're not, you're simply not. because you have to keep living. you can find a reason to or not, but it's one thing you have to do. i dont know what your situation looks like, but i swear: no one will be joyous because of your death. if the person i hate most in the world would commit suicide because of how terrorizing life feels for them, i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't say it's easier or better this way. yes, i might have hated them, but i wouldn't wish death on anyone. now, you say no one will be sad, and i wholeheartedly believe you aren't lying when you say that, but it simply isn't true. you have no idea how many people you don't even notice, notice you. you have no idea how much people actually care about you. i know it's hard to believe. i never believed it either, but it's true. it really is. you can't see it usually, but it's there. i have no doubt that there is AT LEAST a singular person in your life who will be heartbroken, who will grieve you, will let the grief take over their entire being. i know it to be a fact. you will feel so alive again. i swear. you'll feel so incredibly alive. i dont know when that will be but it will be. you are going to feel so alive that your cheeks hurt from smiling. you will feel it ache in your bones. man, oh man, i promise that day is coming. you do have a future, you do have good things coming, and you will survive everything that's thrown at you until you reach that day. because you will feel alive, you will be alive.
and if you need anyone to talk to, i'd love to. because shit do i know what it feels like to not want this anymore. but you will. oh god, you will.