TW FOR SUICIDE
I've been sitting on this for a while, and I've been watching myself get worse. I've been either over eating or not eating at all. I've been either drinking until I'm drunk or not drinking at all and being miserable. I've been smoking a lot more, to a point to where I'm going through vapes like crazy. I'm either sleeping too much or not sleeping at all. When I do sleep, I'm tossing, turning, having nightmares, hallucinating, just not having a good time.
I spend so many of my days telling people to drag their way out of rock bottom if they must. I'm pulling out of people out of rock bottom every day and hoisting them up so they can be in a better place. However, I don't think I can pull myself out of rock bottom this time. I have every other time, I've dragged myself out of it and been able to come out better, but I don't think I can this time. I have fought with my mental health for so long, fought to have friends for so long, fought to try and salvage my relationship with my mom, fought to try and just live. I'm tired of fighting, tired of being here, tired of trying to make friends and it never working out.
I don't think I can make it out this time, not in one piece. I may not even make it out at all. I try to tell people that suicide is not the answer, that it isn't the right thing to do. However, every day that passes, it becomes a louder melody in my head. It's like a siren calling to me and my ship is steering right for it with every day that passes. I don't think I'll kill myself, but with every passing day, I feel it becoming more and more appealing. I don't know what to do anymore.
I spend every day talking to my boyfriend and best friend only, my relationship with my mom is rocky, my step dad and I rarely talk, my brothers just think I'm annoying. All I have as solace is my emotional support animal, my dog, Maggie and she barely knows what to do anymore. Cuddling her and being around her barely helps anymore, even though I see her trying to help me feel better.
If I disappear today, if I stopped responding to people, nobody would notice. Nobody would bat an eye. In-fact, they would be mad at me for not responding. People only reach out when they want something. My emotional support, my advice, my calm demeanor during a stressful situation. They never reach out just because, and it's becoming more and more obvious as the days roll on that I am not meant to be a friend. People do not want to be my friend, people do not want to be around me, people do not want to know me. People just like me because I will listen, solve, and comfort them through their problems. I am a motherly helpful figure, not a friend that they can chat with. It doesn't matter how much I change, how much I fight to become a better person, how much I try so very hard to be a good friend; I will always just be a motherly figure to hold onto when things go south.
If I where to die, nobody would notice, nobody would be sad, nobody would really care. My mom would be relieved she doesn't have to deal with me anymore, my step dad would probably be indifferent, my brothers could care less, my best friend would probably be happy he doesn't have to listen to me be weird, my boyfriend wouldn't have to put up with my depressive episodes. I'm starting to think that overall, it would be best if I did just commit suicide so they would never have to deal with me again.
I don't think I'll do it, but it is a thought that plagues every waking moment of my mind.
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quin ✭♫☮
i'm so sorry. i hear you're tired, exhausted. god, you're laying on the bottom of the
ocean, i would say. but keep hanging on. if that's laying in bed all day, doing nothing, sleeping, i dont care. keep living. i know killing yourself might not be an active thought for you, but i dont know, maybe someday it will, and if there's anything i've learnt from my own rock bottom is that: no matter how shit it's now. you have to keep living. you need to breathe. let your heart beat. if you feel dead, you're not, you're simply not. because you have to keep living. you can find a reason to or not, but it's one thing you have to do.
i dont know what your situation looks like, but i swear: no one will be joyous because of your death. if the person i hate most in the world would commit suicide because of how terrorizing life feels for them, i wouldn't be happy. i wouldn't say it's easier or better this way. yes, i might have hated them, but i wouldn't wish death on anyone.
now, you say no one will be sad, and i wholeheartedly believe you aren't lying when you say that, but it simply isn't true. you have no idea how many people you don't even notice, notice you. you have no idea how much people actually care about you. i know it's hard to believe. i never believed it either, but it's true. it really is. you can't see it usually, but it's there. i have no doubt that there is AT LEAST a singular person in your life who will be heartbroken, who will grieve you, will let the grief take over their entire being. i know it to be a fact.
you will feel so alive again. i swear. you'll feel so incredibly alive. i dont know when that will be but it will be. you are going to feel so alive that your cheeks hurt from smiling. you will feel it ache in your bones. man, oh man, i promise that day is coming. you do have a future, you do have good things coming, and you will survive everything that's thrown at you until you reach that day. because you will feel alive, you will be alive.
and if you need anyone to talk to, i'd love to. because shit do i know what it feels like to not want this anymore. but you will. oh god, you will.