Community

Nope, not that show that brought out some people that were pretty good excluding the lead white guy from the Soup. Horse Girl by Alison Brie and Atlanta by Donald Glover; *chef's kiss*. Nah, I am referring to the community you try to reconstruct when trying to re-parent yourself simultaneously as an adult. Funnily enough, I met a guy on Facebook (Don't recommend for all you under-agers out there...please, just don't). He was from Wisconsin and I know I didn't drive all over the state to go hang out in his mom's basement, but it felt that way because I fucking hate driving period. Anyway, the whole point of me telling you any of this is because his name was literally Redo. I was almost reaching my mid twenties and the consequences or genetics of PCOS were manifesting hard? We still don't really know for sure, because scientists are allegedly survey studying by using Sidney Sweeney's face for the control group in what men find prettier...contoured-to-hell faces or plain-jane-farm-girl? He saw my picture and thought I was the perfect utility to bring to his shows to make his ex jealous. I guess, they were in a yokel band together and then split post breakup? He saw me and realized I looked much tinier in pictures. So we sat awkwardly watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist because the bastard never ever partook...and er...music...a band, and whatever.

Anyway, my sad attempts at community failed horrendously yesterday. I had this beautiful plan in the city for the new group of girls I have been hanging out with. We're all in our thirties. Childless and trendy. We all unassumingly enjoy making and viewing art. To throw more middle school science terms at you, the nucleus of all us girls knowing one another (apart from Jamie and I being friends prior) is a very loud alcoholic. I've never really hung out with someone who abused shit like that as an adult throughout the day. Teenager, maybe? But I was going through my own self harm to barely take notice of the implication of anyone else around me. It sucked. Because Jamie lives for out from me. And I really find our hangs to be like reoccurring baptisms that work for me. But Becca...Becca consumes everyone in her alcoholism. Plus, she really wants everyone to get equally as fucked up as she. And I can't. I can't really get high. I get scared so bad. I can't really get too drunk because I cry in the streets and sometimes fall down. I can't micro dose because I rifle through people's cabinets and feel a bit schizo. I CAN'T PARTY, OKAY!!! 

She called me and Emily non-practicing gays. Which, okay, maybe true. But it really bothered me when she kept trying to kiss Jamie the whole time in the car. Especially, after Jamie said over and over again, I'm straight. She also called me autistic. Which didn't feel great. I should mask better. Whatever the fuck I have. I'm really leaning towards bipolar 2 though. Genetically, it makes more sense than autism. I just know I'm not everybody. And right now, everyone is queer and autistic. And I feel straighter by the hour, the longer Nick leaves me on read. I admitted I missed him so much after talking briefly but somehow so gratifyingly to him about my failed city trip with my girls. Maybe, there was some foreshadowing there, I wanted him to see but know he probably already does but is dedicated to making sure his family stays stitched together in the healthiest of ways for the kids' sake. God, why didn't I get there FIRST! 

It's fine. Because it has to be. I know Nick cannot and will not be my boyfriend for awhile or if ever. I try to stay broken up with David. But he has a strong hold on me. Even when he tries to say we will be there for one another whether we're together or not. I know he's hoping for together. And my immense fears of being alone with my thoughts for good are strong. But I think if I try. Really try to be okay with myself, I know that I can be alone. I know if I can remember for more than a millisecond I was loved once and will be again. Mostly by my parents but hey, sometimes people don't even have that to draw reference from...