Community II

It's so strange how much has changed in just a couple years. Change is something I hate but know it's good for me in the end. I know a lot of things are good for me in the end. It's just I take this slow moving trolley to it's immediate destination almost always. I made haste about Becca. I wanted to be afraid because she wasn't. She knows what she does with her mind and body. Even if it doesn't really look like it from the outside. Plus, I was letting David into my circle of new friends way too early. It had been about a week total he had discovered everything I had written about him and everything else on Spacehey. 

But we're sick. And no one can go to CVS for either one of us. Because we have to go on our own now. And it sucks. But it's the truth of things. We both want to make money and live outside one another. Me for longer than him. Me for myself and he for me. And that's sick in a lot of ways of him. So selling the house from an emotional standpoint makes best sense. Because I'm not going to stop hanging out with Nick and I'm not going to stop calling Andy when I feel myself stop touching sky and go right into outer space. So what's left then? Financially it would be fantastic if we could just stay here and finish our degrees. Quickly. His more expedited than mine but the haste on that is real in it's urgency for both of us.

He wants to do creative projects with me about our breakup and I feel like that's the ADHD and avoidance in him talking. We need to hunker down and decide. Can he handle me going out without me checking in and letting Daddy know when I'll return? Probably not.  I make mocking faces at him when he talks to his mom about what the two of them plan to do post our breakup. He has unlimited support financially from her and it grosses me out. It's what sustained us on some occasions too. But I am the villain in this story no matter how PG David claims he illuminates our relationship to his own mother like a psychedelic puppet show of horrors for grown adults. 

I wish I could escape to Indiana so fucking badly right now. But I know I can't, Nick has very important fatherly plans to contend with this weekend. And it's only gonna get more scarce when his ex has to move into his new fabulous apartment which has way too much of my kindergartner artwork littered all over the place at this point already. Least I got to escape with the Young Hos yesterday. Becca our dedicated coordinator got nine of us together to have margaritas and fun at a taco joint that was too far of a drive but somehow ended up being the perfect spot for photo opts of faux happiness and social adjustment. Everyone's got their shit. No one is ever ever unscathed from the human condition. A reminder I need to keep reminding myself of every hour of everyday...