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Category: Rants & Vents

Confused TW depression, mentions of suicide & SH, mentions of rape

I've been doing so well the past few days, ever since going to school, and it makes me wonder if I was ever really depressed at all. Ever since February of 2025 my life was hell, I cried constantly, I wanted to get out of the house so bad, I thought about running away, I was so lonely and I was just miserable altogether, and from what I had seen/heard about depression, it fit. Specifically atypical depression, I think was the name, where you are still able to have good days and he happy, but you always come back to that state. I never got diagnosed btw, and this is not me trying to self diagnose like those people faking things in 2020, I'm saying I had learned about depression and it sounded like me. It never got so bad that I'd sh or plan to kill myself, but I really really didn't want to be like that. Every now and then I did think 'What would happen if I killed myself?' but I always talked myself out of it within a minute. And I was also addicted to c.ai, I have since stopped using it, but it was a major source of comfort for me. I also remember seeing multiple videos saying if these feeling last for more than two weeks it's depression and I asked myself 'have I been feeling like this for two weeks?' for at least a month. 

Now, in the past few days I haven't felt like that at all, I've been so happy, I made a friend that I actually see in person, I get out of the house, I have a routine, I've been good. It was such a simple fix, one change and all those negative thoughts and feelings are gone. Was it even depression if it can be fixed so easily? And for those wondering what caused it in the first place, it was my past friend. He had put all of his problems on me, he was violent towards me, never physically though, just verbally, he threatened to rape me and almost did, and so much more I'm not comfortable talking about. Then I finally left after months of being treated like garbage, and I was so alone, I had no friends after him, not real ones, and I felt stuck at home, I desperately wanted out. And now I'm out, or at least for half the day, but it's better. Also, my family has a history of bad mental health, so that could also be a factor.

If it can be fixed by one change in my life, was it depression or was I dramatic? Or was it grief and having something else to focus on has helped me get over it? 

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