day one

alright . I want to try and make a post every day but i cant promise anything lol. I am hoping this works for me tho. ok ok . today was fun . yesterday i woke up and had a horrible hangover , i drink every night . not proud of it but hey , i need a space to be honest , im not in therapy loll .. no insurance . my fault tho ! ANYWAY .. i woke up dizzy many times so i just kept falling asleep . i notice this happens more when im more sober than not but , sometimes when i lay down to sleep , i end up falling asleep gradually and when im close to passing out i jolt awake ! its really scary , it makes my heart race so much it hurts . my heart hurts more than it doesn't like .. each day . for one reason or another . like its debilitating . i have a lot of chronic pain but that was the first .

what was i even getting at ..?

i woke up late . per usual , my friend asked what i was doing today . i was supposed to meet this girl today but i got too nervous and haven't spoken to her in like .. three (?) days .. i liked her so far but who am i kidding , i should not subject anyone to the mental torture that is me . 

i went to the park / river with a nice friend of mine , i really enjoy talking with them and im pretty glad were friends . we sat in the sand by the water and just talked about this and that . we chilled for some hours and this was my first time really outside in almost a month so i deeply appreciated it . i want to see them more , they are great ! 

im struggling very very hard with addiction and alcoholism PLUS isolation so , it meant a lot to get out today . we are hanging out later this week ! 

i hope i can figure out how to get better on my own without doctors n such and like , at the same time tapering off without like really bad withdrawal , i know its not so safe to do but its ideal ya know ? ive been drinking daily for about two years . isnt that crazy for 19 ? 

anyway , i know its not much but that was one of the more eventful days ive had lately . i had fun . 

im not sober now so , i hope this reads as well as i want it to ..