day (poem)

every day is a struggle 

a horrible, terrible, mental torture 

a painless way to die would be better for sure 

anxiety has been building up inside of me 

nobody is letting me be 

and i'm not allowed to be free 

suicide has become a hobby 

and i feel like i have nobody 

my father absolutely despises me 

and my mother wants nothing to do with me

years of pain, i've taught myself not to care 

grieving and crying won't get me anywhere 

i'd much rather indulge in vices 

i've been left to my own devices 

excluded by all humans, i've tried to cope 

by surrounding myself with things i love most 

gore and porn and suicide and alcohol 

have truly gotten me through it all 

i've learned that to survive in this world 

i must not trust anyone, or else i'll get hurt 

so i pick and choose friends, but keep them distant 

and hope it doesn't end, so i must be persistent 

and prove myself by giving endless entertainment 

to achieve successful obtainment 

i play as a clown to not let them down 

and reassure myself they won't leave me 

but if i were to be completely honest with myself 

it'd be better for them if they just broke free 

or, it'd be better if i just died today 

or tomorrow, or the day after that. it doesn't really matter anyway 

i stopped caring what'll happen, i already know what the future holds 

if i live to even see it, that is. but i'll have to be very bold