dear professor,

the first day we met, i already didn´t like the way he rearranged the classroom. instead of everyone being face to the blackboard, he took the seats and formed a circle so everyone could see each other´s faces. he explained why the classes would be this way from now on, and i understood that time. something about getting to know each other and create some kind of a cute, familiar class group. i mentally said well, yes, he doesn´t mean to harm anyone, especially on these times when everyone is so focused on themselves and forget about what us humans can be in community. but anyway.

every day, this professor would ask everyone how are we, one by one. my classmates would say how they´ve been during the whole week, job changes, how´s college going and stuff like that. i would say a word or two, nothing more than "I´m fine, week´s quiet".

but the thing is, when the class is ending he would ask for our thoughts, and again, one by one. there´s specific themes that make me feel too awkward, shy and stupid because of not knowing what to say. everyone else would make like a great speech and then I´m there with my stummering, lost gaze and mind drifting away trying to find the right words to say. It´s awful, as an introvert person this is the worst you could make me do. And it´s not like I can skip my turn, everyone is already staring at me and the professor has such a heavy gaze (sometimes I feel like he´s disappointed, there´s a specific way his eyes drop and-) that makes you say something even if there´s nothing on your brain.

economics, politics, this guy that wrote this, this girl, education, the fucking president.

i don´t work like that. i like listening to others and learn that way, by hearing and paying attention. i can´t give you my opinion on something so quickly, i barely remember what you said just five minutes ago, who am i supposed to

i attended classes with my chest hurting because i already knew what was coming for me. real, physical pain. i attended classes with one foot off the classroom and i supported those jvnejvnrefdkn afmj that eye contact was awful, i don´t want to put up with it anymore. and thankfully i wont, because semester is over.

is talking out loud the worst thing happening to me? well, yes, professor doesn´t seem to know there´s people like that. hi!! i´m here!! drowning!! i´m glad it´s over!! now give me my grades.

do i now feel a bit childish? maybe, but i´ll move on. do i have to learn how to do this? yes, definitely. i´m not proud of it, but this is how it is right now and the semester is finished and i need my time alone before i rip my hair off. buenas noches.

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