declaw

I really dislike my behaviour and my disorder. I wish I could be soft. I look at the characters I relate to and wish I could be like them.. they love, they care, they’re not mean or harsh or violent like I am. I’m scared that I’ll have to stay as this terrible person forever. Can someone like me even be soft? I don’t really know. 

I feel so much jealousy for them. I look at my favourite character ever — Viktor from Arcane — and the connection loosens. He doesn’t want to kill. He doesn’t lash out at people due to trauma. He can feel love and connection and he’s soft. I do relate to him as a disabled person who’s pushed aside often, but there is an intrinsic difference between me and him that may never be paved. I guess I don’t really have to be like every character I enjoy but I wish I could. I wish I could cut off my claws and dull my teeth and be less bristled. I did feel love and care once but I can’t anymore and now I can’t be soft. I can’t be nice. I can’t be like him or any other character I like or anyone because my existence is inherently.. harmful. To others and to myself.

The jealousy I feel towards him and anyone who can still feel love is insurmountable. I could have felt that and I could’ve been nice and I could have had so much love within me but I don’t because my parents yelled too much and didn’t give me love and now I can’t feel it. I’m a monster from the depths, I’m an animal, I’m an amoral inbred creature that has fallen from the sun and I feel nothing but hatred. But I wish I was soft. Declaw me and make me whole and good again.