deep uncertainty and fear

this is the week i would have started my 3rd year of college, if i hadn't dropped out.....it feels like everyone else around me is going to college, moving toward something, while i feel stuck and trapped....it's very rough

really i should have never entered college, i had NO idea what i wanted to do. i entered undecided, leaning toward philosophy, but the uncertainty of it worried me. i decided on art at the end of my second semester, because it was the only thing i was truly passionate about (even though it is also quite an uncertain career) however, after my second year of college, i realized that it wasn't right for me. art is too personal for me, i didn't want it to be my career. but i once again had absolutely no idea what to do, and decided it made more sense to spend some time making money instead of spending money on something i was so unsure about. so now here i am, feeling stuck and deeply terrified of my future.

part of the reason i entered college right after high school was because i was tired of living in my small town, i wanted to escape to college in a big city (what a stereotype!) when i was there though, i wanted to go back home, things didn't go how i planned them and i wanted to run away. but now that i am back home i once again feel the desire to escape, i feel like i am stuck and that i am 16 years old again (i mean i literally work at the same place i worked at in high school -_-) i wonder if i have wanderlust, where i cannot stay in one place for too long, i need to constantly be moving (well even when i was younger i had a plan that i would live in an RV and travel around the country)

i know i will go back to college, i like learning (nerd emoji)....but for what, i am deeply unsure!! all of my interests have not traditionally been directly employable, and with how things are going, with the rise of AI and such, there is less and less of a chance that my degree would be useful for anything (and also the idea of working 40 hours a week makes me want to off myself, its so demotivating T_T) .......and im so so afraid to fail again, i feel like i have to make the "right choice" this time. i can't allow myself to drop out Again, that would be so embarrassing T_T (but i also think that maybe no matter what i choose, i will be deeply uncertain about it, and so maybe i just have to push through it and have a little bit of confidence in myself?)

i know i have to push myself out of my comfort zone, i can't stay here forever...so i hope by this time next year (if not sooner!) i will be back in college.....i am Not going to be a 28 year old living with their parents still, i refuse!!!