Deletion… I Think That's a Word

So I’ve had an addiction since 8 years old which is insane to think of.

I deleted my big inventory of photos of videos in my phone’s gallery & I know I have some in other places, but I’ve been too lazy to delete them.

I kept a very big inventory on another app even after deleting everything else, but tonight I had to have that hard choice of whether to delete the thousands of explicit content or let it stay. It’s going to be hard because there are things I won’t & most likely won’t see again. 

Though I’m very angry & more irritable when I’m indulging, I think it’s just going to make me more sad now that the tens of thousands of content is now gone. This is pretty much the second hardest decision I’ve ever had to make with my life. 

I previously talked about this a few months ago with one of the teachers I was close to & he told me I don’t have to go all in right now. He told me to try to go without it for one day & I was able to do that. Not for me, but for him. After that day, I was right back. I was doing pretty good recently not looking at anything sexual, until I had this random feeling today. I hate that I spend a huge amount of my day planning & just indulging instead of doing music or maybe trying to understand myself more. 

I’m not sure if I can quit all the way to be honest. The most I’ve gone is maybe 4 or 5 days, which was pretty recent. What makes it harder is that my addiction is something coming from the internet & I literally need it in order to do certain things in my life.

The relationships, the time I could’ve been doing what I love, that feeling of being normal, & many other things in my life have been heavily affected by this addiction & trying to do some adjusting to something that has been affecting me for more than half of my life, even when I was 4,5,6 years old is going to be insanely hard, maybe I won’t ever shake it off. Hopefully I’m not being too pessimistic about my feelings.