Dissociation

I have a lot of experience with this due to extensive childhood trauma. I dissociate whenever I experience something that would be too traumatising or hurtful if I didn’t, as I think a lot of people do, even if they don’t have trauma. 

If I see something that makes me feel guilty — like seeing my ex cry — then I’ll feel absolutely horrific about it for around 10-20 minutes, before.. shutting off. The guilt is in the back of my mind, but it’s like my mind is gone and the mask remains. This also happens whenever I have to admit I was wrong sometimes. I can admit when I was wrong but if I’m already close to some sort of collapse (I’ve been on the edge of narcissistic collapse for days) then I don’t have enough of my already collapsing self to spare, so I just shut the actual caring part of me off.

Same thing happens whenever I argue with my parents. I’ll punch, I’ll curse, I’ll laugh in their face! But when they’re gone and the adrenaline and my brains self-protection system isn’t protecting me anymore, I become extremely depressed. I cry a lot too. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fucking BALLING right now. But I’m also only ‘balling’ because my OCD has been slightly cared for, I’m getting a lot of material stuff, and because of my mood swings carrying me away into the heaven of ‘I don’t give a fuck’. But feeling good 50% of the time is leagues better than feeling good none of the time. So I’ll take it. I’m glad I dissociate.