Do i even want it to get better ?

TW: disordered eating habits, self injury ,suicidal thoughts, self image issues, substance (ab)-use, mental hospital

I don't want the fucking antidepressants that don't make me feel anything i want the vodka, cigs and a big fat blunt i dont want to have to shut myself down just because the system cant handle my emotions. Why do i need to have perfect attendance at school, never miss a single lesson, work until the end of my life, I DONT DESERVE TO BE A MINIMUM WAGE SLAVE. Is suicide really the only option to not participate in this capitalist nightmare??? Is substance abuse and cutting really the only thing that will ever make it bearable to exist in this hell. 

Everytime when i look in the mirror I either want to eat until i throw up to drown all my feelings or not eat for days to look like the starved russian doll clean girl stockholm bitch youre supposed to be. But then when i fast im able todo omad for a week and then go back to binging 4000 cals everytime i feel anything i dont want to feel. And then everyone i vent to just tells me " healthy balanced eating, track calories, no sugar after 09876543234567890ß0987654323456789pm, dont eat when youre hungry" FUCK YOU, i can either not eat at all or eat everything in sight. Just like with cutting, i can either go deep styro multiple times daily or be clean for a week straight. 

I look at pictures of beautiful people with their perfect face and outfits everyday and i cant stand it anymore why does everyone get to be beautiful except me, and then when i look pretty i cant even see it because the only thing i see is how i still am the same unwanted loser i was before. And no matter how much makeup i wear or what clothes i choose, which diet plan. the mirror and scale still hit me in the face. And the milisecond i open up to someone they just want me to get better GET BETTER GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont want to i can take care of that once im not hideous anymore. 

And then when i try substances to finally feel okay they never do enough, and the only legal thing i havent tried is alcohol which idk how to get and i also dont want to die because i drank just because im on presciption WORK WORK WORK!!! pills. I'm so excited for my 16th and 18th birthday, ill finally be able to just go to a store and get a bottle or a pack or a pre roll.

I also thought after being in the mental hospital they would just leave me alone, ofc not. Now there gonna monitor how often i miss school, if im losing weight and if i dont meet their expectations im being sent to a communcal residense shit where im stuck for minimum one year.