TW : abvse like sa ,, physical and emotional ,, sh // suicde and etc
JST ten yrs ago the biggest fucking thing was SMTH I'll never forget EVER. its deeply scarred me and how I see ppl,, I was JST 4 yrs old. I'm crying in my childhood bedroom where most of my tears when my brothers weren't in here were onto the ground,, the screaming,, the crying,, a lil 4 - 7 yo girl alone in her room crying. I've spent all of my lil tears into this bedroom,, onto this floor, and were all of my screams were kept into the walls. I was JST 4 yrs old and I got SA'd,, wow. ik I've been venting alot,, but its difficult to JST stay smiling and pretend everything is ok when deep down I have wounds that I havent tried to heal or recover bc I've been too focused on others needs and wounds to where I didn't bother to try and fix my own; ppls happiness is all what matters to me, it always has. everyday I'll come home from preschool,, in this room, when big brother and my lil brother weren't here and JST cry. cry bc the other kids would make fun of me bc I struggled to speak the slightest amount of english and I couldnt get some words right,, the other kids would pick on me bc I was weird and I struggled to fit in with the other kids. picked on and JST called ugly and I'll never be loved,, over and over. it happened everyday,, I was JST 4 yrs old,, JST a lil girl. looking back now is already making me tear up as I'm typing this all. the absolute PAIN and deep insecurity I've had since preschool has JST been SMTH I've never EVER been able to forget. the little girl and boys' laughters as they point and laugh at me on the concrete floor. none of my teachers saw or noticed,, JST the kids pointing and laughing at me. it CONTINUED when I started kindergarden at the school JST down this street,, I remember walking there everyday with big brother bc its JST down the street,, I remember walking with big brother and being scared with a hint of excitement JST for me to be made fun of time after time again by my peers,, by 1st graders to the 4th graders. nearly everyday would that happen,, even on the playground trynna play teatherball with Leo,, he would make fun of me WHEN HE WAS MY FRIEND.
by 1st grade I only had a friend or two,, the other kids would pick on me but they wouldn't care to ask if I was ok or stand up for me. id go to them,, crying by the benches under the trees and they'd JST go ,, get over it ! stop being a lil baby and get over it ! ". I felt sososo hurt when I came home,, I locked myself in the bathroom and began to cry, cry and cry. it felt like I could never fit in with the other kids,, they would pick on me and I remember everyday afterschool me and big brother would go to the back of the school to buy snacks, but it still didn't feel like I was happy. been feeling like this since I was FOUR BY THE WAY. never spoke ABT this but oh it feels so good to now. at school,, recess and lunch,, kids would come to throw rocks at me or JST kick me on the ground. I tried to play soccer so I could make new friends,, but got the soccer ball intentionally kicked into my face and laughed at.
,, look ! her face is red ! awww what's wrong ? do u need ur blankie ? "
or JST making fun of me, on the field. it would go on for a while,, and in first grade it kept going on and on. it never ended,, getting hit and made fun of at my old elementary school never ended. it continued forever and ever until I moved to a new city JST a few mins away from my old one.
by 2nd grade,, I was so happy to get a fresh restart,, I don't have to get hit at school anymore,, I don't get laughed at,, but it was JST all false hope. bc ONCE I started 2nd grade,, I was also made fun of too. I JST wanted to fit in with the other kids,, but it felt impossible to. I would JST get bullied there too, hit there too. I would also get hit and YELLED AT HOME TOO BTW,, in all of these grades id get yelled at. I would repeat what ppl would say to make them kinda like me but never worked,, they jst kept bullying and hitting me at that elementary school. I can hear their LAUGHTER in my EARS RIGHT NOW. my chest feels sososo heavy typing all of this bc ive been holding this in for YEARS AND YEARS ON END. but I'd hear them laughing at me as I'm getting HIT WITH JUMP ROPES,, I only have like a friend or two from second grade,, one I'm still best friends with and the other were moots but we don't talk. I never got an ,, I'm sorry " from those kids who would hit and pick on me everyday,, not ONCE. only a few I forgave bc they were my friends and I didn't know who else to go to so Id stay with them like that,, I hated how I did that at JST 7 yrs old.. I'm crying in my loves sweater ( not dating ) and holding onto his stuffed animal that he's had since he was little and he has mine. I wasn't able to fit in with the other kids like how they did,, the other kids got to fit in JST fine,, why couldn't I? and then COVID hit and I was JST set online and discord to meet ppl to make me feel happy. I was like 8 yrs old before the next SA would happen and scar me forever too,, JST 8 yrs old and it happens,, not gonna get into details its all in my blogs.
by 3rd grade it was all virtual and then we had a and b groups,, if group a was at school, group b would stay home and itd switch every now and then I think. but,, I was kinda saved from being bullied and hit everyday then.
by 4th grade it all went down down down,, bc I was RIGHT BACK into being hit and bullied then too. I was friends with the dude I met in 2nd grade,, two boys I met in 3rd,, and JST one I met by one boy I met in 3rd grade. it didn't stop from me getting pulled aside from a girl telling me
,, hey Rowan, u should come play with us ! "
I didn't know any better and it was a girl I was in love with and I went to play with them and got STRANGLED and HIT WITH JUMPROPES. it was by the handball court when nobody was around,, I didn't RLLY have anyone to cry to ABT it and kept it in for all of these years until I told ml ABT it ( not dating but yea ). I HELD IN ABT BEING BEATEN AND STRANGLED WITH JUMP ROPES FROM A GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH FOR 5 TO 4 YEARS OF JST SILENCE,, I NEVER TOLD ANYONE ABT IT UNTIL HIM. it'd be different girls each time,, telling me to play with her. I'd say ok EVERYTIME bc I wanted to be with lucky,, the girl I loved. her name wasn't RLLY lucky,, a fake name so she wouldn't get caught I guess. always by the handball courts so no supervisors would see, and afterwards I JST go face on the side of the handball courts,, the side where nobody could see besides ppl on the field maybe, me crying alone. I can hear the girls laughing at me as I have a JUMP ROPE TIED AROUND MY NECK,, laughing and giggling and making fun of how ugly I fucking look as the girl I loved was laughing and hitting me with her fists and laughing about it. times itd be JST her,, punching me behind the handball courts so nobody would see. she would threaten me that if I'd ever told anyone,, shed RIP me apart painfully and slowly,, and itd happen more often. I was afraid and started to hang out with max and his other friends more,, sometimes even Tate too for crying out loud. but shed keep bringing her friends to have me play with her and get strangled and strangled by jump ropes,, hit with them,, and lucky beating the FUCK outta me behind SMTH nobody would see. I got into drawing to help me out a lil,, JST to have the other kids to tear it apart and either throw it up in the air like confetti or JST throw it all into my face. it went on and on for a while. never told anyone about it.
then, by fifth grade,, I was ok until prob october 2022 where I started to feel depressed. I wasn't feeling happy anymore,, I didn't feel like me,, I wanted to JST die and die. fourth grade was around the time I started to realize my mom fucking SUCKED and she never loved me,, but by fifth grade I completely distanced myself from her,, or tried to. I look back at my old videos from 2022 my old EDITS,, videos where It had me in it and I could TELL I wasn't in the right mindset. I met some terrible ppl online who ended up JST making p()rn of my sona that was like my age,, and the dude started liking me but I'll talk abt that friedngroup another day. I would still get hit and made fun of,, yes,, but it was so LESS bc I wasn't as talkative anymore I could say. I never began to be as talkative until I got into 7th grade,, I was jst around 2 to 5 people everyday in fifth grade and messing around and having fun knowing deep down I wasnt ok.
then,, by sixth grade everything took a DARK TURN. that was by the time I was in a HUGGEEE depressive wave were I tried to kil myslf on many many occasions,, send ppl vids of the cuts on my wrists,, and I look back now and realize I was REALLY REALLY FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD AT 11 YEARS OLD. I would get harassed and made fun of by other kids for cutting myslf and wanting to end it all,, my teachers noticed and they would give me little stuff to remind me that my life is worth living and I shouldn't go so so early. I had a few people who would tell me not to IRL but I would do it anyways,, I'm actually friends with someone who used to harass me in sixth grade bc she said she regretted everything she did to me in sixth grade ( she wrote it in my yearbook for 8th grade year ). I healed from that huge wave by prob April or March 2024,, but I got right back into that state by November ish 2024 that only worsened by April or march 2025.
then,, in 7th grade I'd say the me getting hit and beaten by jump ropes was finally over. but I was still being emotionally abused and I got SAd AGAIN in 7th grade. I hurt the person I love but I cant forgive myself for making him cry lije that,, hering his voixe vvcraking is mking me cry,, I never wanted to hurt someone like that before brp,, herong hpw much he wad crying hurts me waaaayyy more than it did before.. I wish I could go baxk and not lash outt on jim like that,, I RLLY do I feel so bad for being so mean to him that day. once I heard how he was crying I knew I fucked upnadnditried to keepmyselfcalm ut it hurt heringofhow he was cuingthen bro it hurts me way more then it dod before.. I wishineverdid that,, I wish I never joined them on in it,, I wish I wish I wish.. I was highly unomfortabe with him but I pushed and pushed myself to be his friend or to talk to him but I couldn't inrlly coukdn. even my own best friends were basically going ,, ew THAT kid ? " and I'm JST ,, yeah... he's ... annoying .. " as I'm trynna push myself to become his friend but I couldn't all I coudl do was small talk to try to get to know him better. I JST remember randomly venting to him in either ela or hisyroy and I remember him going ,, uhh I don't RLLY needto know that but ok " and I think I switched the topic to why is nails are so short. I wish I was nicer to him,, I wish I was comfortable with him then,, I wish I was his FRIEND then. I felt so bad when we could pick our seats he had nowhere to go so I'd let him sit with Vinnie , Bob, and ki with us and I'd sit next to him so I could try to make myself be his friend in my kinda way. I so badly wish I was nicer to him,, I'm wiping away my fresh and old tears as I'm typing this all out bro. I wish I was nicer and I wish I was his friend. I fell inlovewith this girl olive and man was she good but I had this weird feeling when I asked her out to be my gf,, I remember when we were walking out from PE,, she said to me ,, man I wish I had a girlfriend. or a ... boyfriend.. i dunno . " and I did like her then too,, but I said in a joke voice ,, ILL be ur girlfriend " ( I didnt like being called the gf I wanted to be called a boyfriend but oh well it was said ). and I remember we both had 6th period PE together and all that and I remember either a few weeks or days later I gave her a lil note asking her to be my gf and she said yea but it RLLY only lasted a month of us being close bc I got her sent to a different school bc her dad went through our messages. around that same time I fell inlove with CB,, someone 4 yrs older than me and I regret it all. he was NOT the one and he was highly manipulative to me when we were friends and together,, I wish I never got with him at all ever. I wish I never fell inlove with him,, I wish I never told him I liked him. HOWEVER,, I remember in December when ,, under ur spell " was popular,, I remember listening to it during ela // history and I turned to my sides ( around this time I believe I sat next to hammy ) and the song had me CONSTANTLY looking at him and in my head going ,, he lowkey looks cute though " and would look away when he noticed I was looking at him . I had a LITTLE crush on him for a few weeks,, maybe 2 - 3 weeks I'd say. I had another gf I was with two ppl then and I RLLY loved her but she used me for her loneliness and now I don't like her until I get an im sorry from her or them I dunno,, then I pulled CB outta his depressive state and made him not wanna kill himself and VIVIDLY remember him being drunk over call. then got two heartbreaks in ONE MONTH and I think in less than a week or two. then sadly my crashout on ml ( not dating ) and I feel sosososossSOSOOS bad for making him cry like that,, his ,, I'm sorry " with his voice cracking is JST replaying in myhead as I'm typing this I cant forgive myself for hurting him like that that day but I forgave him for being annoying and I'm glad I did. then departed from a friend group and got a new one. then lost a best friend who I hurt too and I deeply regret it but he's never gonna forgive me..
wow 8th grade year was quite a lot. I had a lot of emotions to deal with during my middle school year I'd say,, I went through ONE heartbreak in my 8th grade year but it was minor compaired to my heartbreak with olive ( I still think ABT it time to time ABT how I acted and I wanna say I'm sorry SOSOSSO bad ),, this time this year I pushed myself to become friends with hammy tho and man oh man am I glad I did become his friend. at the beginning of the year I went to sit with my old friends but I was told they didn't like me and completely cut ties with everyone there but grew my friendships with two ppl in that group again. I tried to make friends with 7th graders that were cool JST for me to realize that THAT OLD FRIEND GROUP MADE THEM HATE ME ALL CUZ THEY HATE ME. how fucking disgusting they are,, cant JST keep it to themselves and has to spread others ppls business out there. I remember hammy sitting there with me too,, but then I sat with scary willy and his friends then transferred to my friend waves table,, how I got closer with hammy and I'm sosooso happy I got closer with him,, thinking ABT how I was so uncomfortabe with him to being comfortable with him,, becoming his friend,, then me labeling him as a close friend like star and wave also being important to me,, then US ending up liking each other is JST SMTH I'm honestly happy of I'm beginning to tear up as I'm typing this. for a while I didn't have too much conflict with anyone besides that old friend group,, they JST kept adding more and more drama onto it and I lost someone I was crying in the bathroom for like a good hour or two. I got sad when I realized someone I loved was friends with ppl like them but I never said anything ABT it bc I don't wanna do the stuff they did like ,, stop hanging out with them " kinda shit,, its his friends and I'm not gonna control who he gets to be friends with. I also never told anybody this but I fell in love with my best friend vi for most of the year,, I kept it hidden from ppl bc I didn't want anyone to know I fell inlove with someone I was friends with since 4th grade. i was phoneless yes,, but I tried to make it fun. I'd goof off in my classes not caring I would get in trouble,, do trouble at home too,, try to make my life fun bc I feel like my body is giving up on me and rotting so I'm trynna have as much as fun I can have before my time is up and I have to go which I believe is soon. I got very very scared for my friend star when he had some girl from my old friedn group being weirdly obsessive abt him and jealous I can hold his hand and hug him and wear his sweater and be his friend and she couldn't he didn't like it. I had to tell someone from that friend group to tell her to back off shes making him uncomfortableand to find someone else and to especially LEAVE ME ALONE and to stop trynna make my CURRENT FRIENDS drive away from me bc I'm trynna have a good life too not JST them being real fuckin selfish. I would also say that my table Id sit at everyday made me feel happier and alive than my old table from 7th grade year,, im glad I had more fun in my 8th grade year with KOOLIO 7th graders and 8th graders to keep me up even tho deep down I was broken myself still after november 2024. one thing I'm glad ABT is that I found ppl like hammy, star and wave in my life,, talking ABT them alr is making me cry bc oh my did I laugh and smile so much around them. YEA I was chasing after a boy I've liked since 4th grade and already secretly taken by someone but man oh MAN do I wish I told hammy I liked him earlier in the year,, I have literal PROOF I liked hammy earlier in the year thanx to my math notebook and my science book. I liked hammy around November or December ish I dunno BTU only noticed it around February or january when I was still in a relationship,, its been 5 months since ive been single wow. I only told wave earlier I liked him but I ignored TAHT I liked hammy bc I thought I was gonna get over it in a few days or weeks but oh man it DID NOT FADE AWAY ! I actually was RLLY inlove with hammy a LOT more than WEFTY the boy iwas chasin all those years and olive and CB and wave n will bro. I had a good feeling EVERYTIME I was around him that he actually made me more happy than them.. I'm glad my eyes set on him,, I'm RLLY glad my eyes are now set on him bc I think I'm not polyamorous anymore I think he made me NOT be poly anymore I dunno its a weird feeling. I've always been poly I noticed it when I was like 9 yrs old but now after JST 5 yrs it feels like im not ? I'm glad I confessed to hammy during spring break and we got closer and closer otherwise Id be with wave RN and itd prob end up like my 3 ex girlfriends. I dunno,, once I found out that vi didn't like me anymore like beingmy friend that HURT SO MUCH bc I was secretly in love with her and I was for like months,, since like January I think I fellinlove with her. its weird how being close to someone could make u fall in love with them,, what I find WEIRDER Is that I liked hammy for a bit in 7th grade bc a song got me crushing on him for a bit for a few weeks and got over him for a lil. my 8th grade year was fun,, painful,, but I also got weird love from someone I used to be uncomfortable with JST the year before. I'm glad I fell for him tho,, I fell for him harder than anyone I've ever loved,, EVER!! I wanna write him more love letters,, more love poems more more eand more but I also am gonna keep it down a lil to make sure I'm not being manipulative to him like lovebombing him. he's the ONE PERSON I've EVER written so many letters to and drawings for,, I've never done that for someone but he actually makes me feel so good inside he makes me actually feel happy. I don't care if he cant play the guitar,, I love him how he is and he doesn't needa change for me,, I'll stick by his side forever and ever despite his wrongs I don't wanna leave him in the dust. our lil moments make me tear up and cry bc oh he's JST the sweetest,, so kind and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JST so sweet he's a sweetheart and I love that. after noticing I love him more than anyone,, I fell out of love for wefty which I found SHOCKING bc ive been trying to for YEARS to the point olive was sad I was giving more time to wefty and I feel so bad for it but I'm SHOCKED that hammy was set onto my mind more than wefty bc man oh MAN does hammy have me wrapped around his finger more than wefty did but wefty didn't like it. hammy has me wrapped around his but like in a good way not in a manipulative way bc I like being wrapped around his finger,, I'm sosososo glad I fell for hammy and lost feelings for wefty and wavetho oh my GISH.
I know I normally make poems for vents but I dont feel like making one so imma JST copy and paste this from my bulletin I made like 5 or so days ago : :
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