dysphoria

ive been feeling really dysphoric lately i won't lie. like it's been getting real bad. that and my instrusive thoughts. i genuinely hate being born with the parts i have. i hate that i always have to be reminded of it every single day and the worst part about is that even if i specifically tell people that im agender there's people out there that still will want to know what my biological sex is or what's in my pants. why does that matter so much to you? why is that all you are even thinking about? i see people as the person they are regardless of what their gender or parts they have and respect people as such so why can't i have that same respect? it irritates me and pisses me off so much when people treat me this way. it honestly makes me feel like shit. that is all people can see is that when im so much more than that. it pisses me off so much. i shouldn't ever have to feel like i have to give out an answer abt that to anyone it's none of their fucking business anyways. i wish people would see me more than just my body or my parts. i wish i mattered and was worth it more to people. i wish i could just be seen as a person. not as an object. i wish i could rip these parts off of me i hate them so much. i don't even have any gender affirming things to use help relieve dysphoria like yk chest tape or a packer or boxers because of my unsupportive family. seeing myself in the mirror always makes me uncomfortable. i dissociate a lot and cover myself up because i hate looking at myself and my body. even taking showers is hard i take a shower everyday but the dysphoria is always there. the voice is always telling me how i will never look the way i want to. even though im agender i want to have a masculine body. i want to start hrt. i want to transition and feel good about myself one day. but having to wait so long like this it makes you impatient and it drives you crazy. that's how i feel. without a support system im left to fend on my own and i don't even know how im gonna even do that. my family has shamed my body so much and how i look that i think that i look bad. i try to ignore it as much as i could but when that's all you hear everyday it really does effect how you view yourself. now about the intrusive thoughts i thought about sh and it was on my mind and i did that today. i was in so much distress that i took it out on myself and although it hurt i didn't feel anything much because i was dissociating a lot. it's one of my coping mechanisms when im feeling stressed out. i know it's unhealthy but i just needed something to take the edge off. i really just don't feel good right now.