ego and the entries 1O: "ego's inability + halo of guilt"

6/30 we in da double digits....// 

O1 ego's inability. making friends and socializing in general has always been a big struggle for me. I have a core memory from when I was in kindergarten thru 3rd grade and was too timid to even say good morning to any of my teachers or friends... all my other classmates had no issues with it and they seemed able to socialize just fine, which did make younger me feel extremely self conscious, because, like, why couldnt I be as social as all the other kids? now in current time, im not that scared anymore thanks to being medicated, but without those meds I would be having a whole lot more struggle doing literally anything. 

O2 halo of guilt. I still tend to avoid socializing or interacting with anyone new IRL and even online (mainly because I see online interactions as more of an inconvenience than anything but thats not the point). I get easily discouraged to uphold conversations with people online if I don't like their personality or even the way they type, which I know is something really small and sometimes I often feel guilty for not being able to properly talk to someone if they dont meet my personal standards. but I really cant help myself from not liking someone based off of how they act... if you're too cheery and eager I'll get uncomfortable, if you're too lazy and uninterested I'll get irritated... I wish I could just jam along with anyone I dont know. 

this entry is kind of nothingburger complaining I dont know im tiredffffffff okay thank you good night friendrewind