endless cycle of pain, self harm and paranoia

hi, im only back to write this blog. I dont have any other place to write about this without getting demonitized or banned so

i guess tw warning, this blog will be taken down surely, i dont care, i need to speak up somewhere

I just freshly cutted myself, blood dripped from my thighs all down to my feet and my floor was bloody, i managed to scrub it off with water and paper. I hate myself and i hate every single action i do. I hate every single thought, decision and memory, everything. 

i hate my gender and that i cant do nothing about it. I always will be a woman and i always will have those stupid tits and estrogen and fucking stupid female brain. Its stupid i can even imagine being a man. I never will be one. Its biologically impossible, everyone knows that deep down im actually a woman and always will be. 

expect that, i struggle with so much mental bullshit. Comfirmed mental issues that my psychiatrist told me i have, ocd, depression and psychosis. A great trio. And im starting highschool again. Because i failed the last fucking year because instead of studying i was digging in my skin till i bleed in the school bathroom, yes they got infected sometimes. I hate this. At this point i really think suicide is my only help. I dont have friends and i know clearly why, like come on im a fucking weirdo. 

My mother keeps saying i have bpd too. But all she really cares about is grades and studying and being on the top of the class!!! BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING LAWYERS!!! SO I NEED TO HAVE REAL GOOD GRADES! REAL GOOD JOB AND MONEY!!!! 

i want to curl in a ball and rot.