I feel like I can't keep my friends because I change too often.

It is kinda weird to say that, but I felt like posting it instead of keeping my feelings to myself like I always do.

Well, I do have some uncommon interests, but it's no big deal. I've been bullied for them my entire life, so I'm really strict about who I become friends with (there's more to it, like friendship trauma, but I ain't gonna write all that). It's always made me really upset. You know, being so limited about who's gonna be my friend just because of their interests really turns me into the "bully" and "judgmental" person I've always been scared of becoming. I hate hanging out with "too normal" people, and that's it. (I said it's no big deal, but wait for my point.)

So my friends always have to share something in common with me. I'd say that's just basic friendship rules, but my parents say otherwise, that you can be friends with someone without sharing the same interests. Well, that's really hard for me, so I don't even try.

The problem is that the friends I work so hard to find always keep the same interests, like a normal person would. But I keep changing hobbies, so in the end (HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A MOTHERFUCKING MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE REFERENCE?) I end up having nothing in common with them because I've gotten into completely new things, and I feel guilty for not having anything to talk about with them anymore.

You can probably tell from this post that I suck at expressing my feelings because I keep talking nonsense about changing. But I want it to make sense. Someone as crazy as me would probably find meaning in this. But they won't be as crazy as me in two months because I'll have turned into a whole new person.

I think this happens because I'm really apathetic, so I keep changing obsessions just to keep myself sane and feel something for at least two weeks. I also feel like I end up hating every single version of myself that I create every three months, no matter how hard I try.

My friends are still into the same things they've liked ever since I met them, but I keep getting into and out of my own interests like crazy. This makes me really, really sad. I feel like I'm one of those narcissists who only values things once they're gone. There's nothing wrong with changing, I know, but I just wanted to be myself. Instead, I'm so lost when it comes to my own personality.

There's no point in telling myself that I'm "just growing as a person" because I can't trick myself into believing that anymore. I don't know who I am. I've always built my personality by acting like characters I like and wanting to be exactly like them, so I don't really see myself as me. I can't even imagine how other people perceive me. 

That sounds so childish.

I've been told I might be bipolar. I don't really know, tho

My heart aches. I feel there's something wrong with me.

I want to figure out who I really am without external influence.