Stuck In A Negative Mindset - How Do I Change?

Hello friends! This will be a bit of a rant post, I just wanted to jot down my frustrations with being a human being lately.

So I am a very intense person and I operate with a lot of anger and hatred at a baseline (I've been told I don't come across that way, which is great, but in my mind I'm seething half the time). I try to keep that shit inside because acting out of anger or with hatred towards people isn't the person who I want to be, but that just means all of that negativity is trapped inside me.

Recently my psychiatrist and I were talking about how I haven't been doing fantastic (I'm actually doing relatively really good, just not as good as I could be) and she asked me if I thought we needed to increase my medication or if I just needed an "attitude adjustment." I hated to admit it, but I told her I really do think most of my mental state is because I'm just constantly negative inside my own thoughts.

At the same time though - I know there are positive things in my life, but everything also kind of sucks. I don't really have friends, I hate my job, paramedic school is making me so incredibly stressed and anxious and scared, my car got totaled (not my fault) and I can't afford a new one to get to school and work, ugh idk. There just doesn't seem to be much that I really care about or am passionate about. When I try to do art or go volunteer or whatever I feel like I'm cosplaying being passionate about the thing, not that there's actually any fire in my chest for it.

The main thing keeping me sane is just hitting my cart about 100 times a night after I get home, but I'm getting sober for paramedic school next month and I'm anticipating this causing a few epic crashouts while I'm getting used to it.

So now I know that I feel like shit because of my own negativity. But where do I go from here? Just yell "NO" in my mind every time there's a negative thought? Brick my phone? Move away and start a new life somewhere with a beach? Idk.

I mostly just needed to write this all down, but any advice would be appreciated too! Thx 4 reading. <3

Kudos: 3

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xX-Squid-Xx

2 days ago (edited) Report

My meta is to remind myself that I have shit to do. I have to fill out this paperwork. I have a meeting next week. I have to call that person back. Idk. It works for me.

Coco ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ

3 weeks ago (edited) Report

I relate to this a lot. I'm also someone who goes through life carrying around a lot of anger, even if I try really hard not to let it affect other people, so I know exactly what kind of "demon" you're talking about.
The only advice I can really give is what's helped me the most. Whenever I catch myself having a negative thought, I don't try to push it away or act like it isn't there. I just question it. I ask myself stuff like, why am I feeling like this? Why did I react that way? Is this actually helping me or is it just making me feel worse? What am I even getting out of holding onto this? A lot of the time I realize my brain is just running on autopilot, repeating the same patterns over and over even though they aren't helping me anymore. It doesn't magically make the feelings go away, but it does make them feel a little less in control.
And about what you said, about feeling like you're "cosplaying" someone with passion… I honestly think that's just your brain being cruel to you. If art, volunteering, or whatever you're doing genuinely meant nothing to you, you wouldn't keep coming back to it. The fact that you want to care, that you keep trying even when you feel disconnected, tells me there's still a part of you that does. Anger, burnout, and stress have a way of making every genuine emotion feel fake, but that doesn't mean it's true.
I know that's way easier said than done, but don't let those thoughts convince you to stop doing the things that give you even the tiniest spark. I don't think those things are proof that you're pretending to care; if anything, I think they're proof that some part of you still wants to connect with the world. Even if that part feels really small right now, it's still there.
I really hope things get a little easier for you soon. ❤️

Oh my goodness idek what to say- thank you SO much that was actually so incredibly helpful right now, you couldn't have worded all of that better it's exactly what I needed to hear. 😭💗 "What am I even getting out of holding onto this?" may have just changed my brain chemistry. THANK YOU!!! SO MUCH LOVE AAHH <3

by itsmilograve; 3 weeks ago (edited); Report

AAAAAHHHH I'M SO HAPPY MY WORDS MIGHT ACTUALLY HELPED YOU 😭💗 that question has helped me through so many awful thought spirals, so I'm really glad it resonated with you too

Just be patient with yourself, okay? I know it doesn't always feel like it, but you're doing better than your brain wants you to believe. 💕

Sending you the biggest hug!! I'M ROOTING FOR YOU!!!

by Coco ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ; 3 weeks ago (edited); Report