dreaading

i really enjoy summer break i caught up on so many interests and i finlaly have time to obsess over them and shit but i freaking hate school... i hate that ites already in a month. i also have marching band camp soon.

i love band and all but im just scared bevause i got into band and learning to understand music late compared to others and it feels really embarrassing to have to ask for help on the whole music... im def the most unexperienced in the section by the very least. now they are expecting us to have the music learned and ready b4 band camp but last year they gave us the music late into band camp😭😭 i do try to practice as much as i can even tho i do struggle being consistent with anything. but ive been working on teh warm ups for the past month now and ik they aren't difficult but its easy to get tripped up my physical inexperience is preventing me from proving that i do know how it should sound. my left hand is a lot weaker with drumming and that's normal, but there's no way i'll be able to keep up with the rest of my section, i feel like im not improving at all no matter how much i have tried. and i barely even memorize music by reading it, i have to hear it first to understand it or else ill interpret it differnelty. maybe to some people im screaming "I AM LAZY AND I SUCK AT MUSIC!!" but this is just the worst..

and dont even get me started with school, why do they expect me to know what i want to do with myself when i didn't even plan to live past middle school. im not at such a bad state anymore but even now im not confident that i can handle my own future... people tell me to just do what i desire or wahtever but if i do, my ideal life is basically unachievable in this state of the world. i just dont know how to deal with it and i dont even know if i want to. ugh..