how can you do something you're incapable of?

It's not that big of a deal, but I have loads of exams coming up in 2 days. I haven't studied, and it's fine, but I physically can't bring myself to study or do anything. There are other basic things I've lost motivation to do, but they're too embarrasing to share on here. Point is that even though it doesn't matter whether I study or not, or pass or whatever the fuck, it upsets me so much that I'm not bothered to put in the work to be able to continue my greatest passions.

I really, really love art, creation and everything in that kinda field, but I'm terrible at it, and I'm too clung to my bed and computer to do something about it and practice and improve. It's not only art, but it's also every other part of my life. I have friends, but none of them ever want to spend time with me and are kinda mean to me. I seriously need to make new friends, but I struggle with speaking to others. I kind of hate people, yet I'm so desperate to be around them rather than alone. I love being spoken to, I love feeling like people genuinely enjoy my presence, as does everyone else obviously, but because I feel almost deprived of... I guess love from anyone who isn't my mother or my sister. 

I don't know if there's any hope for me making any other friends or finding people who truly care about me. But I've been trying hard to put myself out there and make friends, though my "trying hard" probably isn't the same as your trying hard. My trying hard is occasionally conversing with people and making the conversation so painstakingly awkward that they find themselves scrambling for reasons to excuse themselves.

It's not that I hate myself or anything, I'm kinda cool, ya know? But my life is just so bland, and I can't see any hope of that changing. I  mean, I have a fewww self confidence issues when it comes to socialising, but that's about it, I used to be sooo deeply insecure about my body, face, and ust my appearance in general, I can tell you right now that feeling trapped in some kind of evil ogre's body is waaaaay more depracating than feeling a little stupid every so often, or atleast for me it is.

Feeling beautiful is more of an internal thing than an external thing, so when you hold that internal hate, and you're trying all of this eternal shit to get rid of it, it doesn't work. Instead of trying to change the way others view you, you need to change the way you view you, if that makes sense, makes sense to me, I guess. Took me a loooooooong time to figure that out.

Anyway  thanks for taking the time to read about my problems or whatever 

peace - giselle

also are we enjoying me blogging? should i do more? they wont be as depressing or at least i hope so