the only thing that soothes me...

my head hurts and i still havent recovered from climbing up that stupid hill, my hand and fingers hurt slightly and i look at myself in the mirror and i cry

my posters keep falling down and i only look at them and toss them aside saying "i'll get to it later", even tho i know i won't because i don't even have the energy to do so

i look at my food and eat in automatic, when i recover i realize i don't even want to eat more.

my mom keeps talking while i write and edit that shitty cover i made for you to see, i don't hear her because i really don't care.

I told my dad about my grade and he didn't even look at me. i wished it was you who i was telling, i would've laughed while you said how smart i was and how proud you were of me. i miss seeing you. 

I saw your tiktok and liked it, a part of me wanted to cry, the other part couldnt bare to put my eyes away from you and your beautiful face. i think i saw it for too long 'cause now i can't get the video out of my head.

i have to pause while i write or i will cry again and again. i thought i made the right decision, and i did, but if it is why is it hurting so much. it's not a question. i thought i made the right decision, and i did, i don't want to be apart from you and at the same time i want to make things right this time, like i said.

my playlist keeps replaying and i realized i have so many sad songs, or maybe that's the ones i notice more now that i am.. this.

call me, maybe, if you miss me

call me, maybe, if you need me

call me, being apart is so difficult and i feel like i'm losing myself in this. 

i should be studying but i can't focus, i tried, i have exams and quizzes i have to take and i still can't focus, my chest hurts and i can only sleep when i am too tired, so i'm beginning to do all the things i can so i can finally sleep properly early and not fucking cry until i fall asleep -even tho i still do that-

i hear music, play it, write, text you and delete it and text again and delete it again, i put on a post, i share one, i scroll through the social media and nothing seems too funny or happy to me anymore.

i look at our chat, not really, i only look at your profile picture and that guitarist again of that band that we both love so much apart from the other one, why did we chose this way? why is it you that you're the guitarist that loves turtles like me? how did that make sense for us? i guess we never made sense either way. why am i the quirky bassist when i'm always serious and even shy? i keep thinking about that because it soothes me from actually texting you

i knew i shouldnt so i don't. it's gonna keep coming like a loop for us and i don't want that, i want to make things right for once. but god it is difficult to not text you and cry with you because no one here listens to me and i feel so lonely without you 

the only thing that soothes me at the end of the night is... nothing. at all.

i miss you, every time i see a text i think about you and i disappoint myself by looking at it knowing perfectly it's not you. 

i know it's all for the better and this will be all worth it. it's all worth it if at the end i'm with you. 

i'm scared of all the things i have always been scared. 

I'm scared you'll get over me and when everything is fine for us and i come back you'll not love me anymore and i'll.. what will i do then? nothing. 

i'm scared that you'll find someone that fits your parents standards and that they won't be a problem because they'll be there by your side and they'll go to your house every damn day and cook with your parents maybe and meet your mom too and your cats and everything i can't do because the fucking world decided to put me kilometers away from our love.

i know it's all overthinking. maybe you'll grab me by my ankles and pull me back to the ground of this so fucked world we call earth, and i kinda wish you did right now.

i remembered it would've been our 7th month. my heart breaks a little more. when we get back together, we'll see if we count months or not, right? like we did the first time. we'll see about that, get to a decision together.

i'm glad we can talk somehow this way, i'm glad your dad is not so much of an asshole right now, i'm glad you still love me, honey, 'cause i keep loving you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.

26th April 2026