i'm at every place, but not in myself

I blink once or twice before i say something

My eyes are teary sometimes, sore anothers, swollen at moments. Can you see them? Do you choose to ignore th(em)?

there's little and very few things that only fuel me completely, music is one of them, guitars are others, maybe even singing, nothing else, probably.

I'm passing every subject from now. It takes a little over the top to do that, i guess.

My eyes twitch the same way they flicker when i notice i'm almost eating my fingers from the anxiety. 

I pause at the train, look at the sides like it's a road, think about it. I think about the people that do it, and all the others that are probably thinking it too like me.

it's exhausting.

i move inside the train and put on music, i fall asleep as soon as i touch the seat, i pass out every time because of how exhausted i am. I only say to myself it'll improve next semester.

I have to do this for a lot more years, what shit did i get myself into? I didn't want to do this, i wanted my guitar and my hurting songs and my misery and my tears on the tip of my fingers and maybe even a little blood. 

I pause, look at the sides. What if it happened? I pause, i cross the street and get to my house. 

I'm tired, i havent showered, my legs hurt, my eyes are tired, i want to cry and then i don't, i think and then i pause, i hear the screams and i make a grimace that'll get me more screaming for sure, i exhale.

i miss myself and yet i do not know who that is

i keep thinking about us and it makes me get more serious from time to time, i think about us and all the possibilities, do you believe in us like i believe in us? 

My faith was never that deep either way. I wear a cross but i don't believe in anything. Does "us" counts? You don't understand, we won't have "us", we would have to change a lot, we won't.

I pause, close my eyes, i keep thinking about it and yet i don't shut it off at any point. 

all the things you have done and you have said still come into my mind from time to time. should i have stopped it ll at some point? do your friends hate me like your parents even when i made you happy for months? do they tell you that i'm not enough? that i'm just a phase? that the perfect one will come and i'll just be a line over the page that you'll erase perfectly? do they still think i manipulate you? that i'm the bad guy and a horrible person? it seemed like that. 

 why does everybody hate me?

It's never enough, i guess. Everyone wants more and i think i'll kill myself before i can give more. 

we'll be together at some point, maybe another life will make it up for us. maybe i have to be misery itself in this one. 

I need a cigarette. And maybe a pause. 

01st May 2026