Winter is coming and I am an animal

Winter is coming and I don't feel good. I miss what summer was - what it could have been - I wish I cherished it more. I woke up this morning to its coolness and dreaded routine. I scrolled before reluctantly moving. The way it is.

Law school is cumbersome but it's making me a better person. Education is violent in that it kills and remakes your brain (I'm no scientist but in a poetic sense, I diagnose this process as "Rebirth"). We go through many non-permanent deaths and I believe education to be the most valuable player. I will stand by my belief that tertiary education is mostly a test of endurance & resilience. The "Growth Mindset" is something I've been trying to channel. My disposition favours perfectionism and anxiety. I fear percentages. How strange? We as a species once braved the wilderness to optimise our survival and yet today - if you are privileged enough to be in education and in a moment in time where your greatest priority is, indeed, your education - that our greatest threat is a number? However, to label the number the threat is of course the problem. Reality is, 65% does not actually hurt you. It's artificial, not natural, but it's consequences are real. Our real threat then naturally is ourselves, our brains, to which ascribe value, then enforce our reality.

These signs and symbols are irrevocably important but where is the line? Where do natural consequences breed guilt? My guilt over academia has stretched too far, my resilience tested in order to ensure that this primal part of myself is satisfied, the threat of being "bad" neutralised. Habits are created in order to soothe - I have a natural inclination to starvation. I suppose it's the recognition that food is what we need to survive but it is easy to believe that short term starvation, that is refusing to eat when you are starving, only has minute effects. Of course, we know this to be true and this pattern reinforces that eating is a treat, perhaps even as far as a luxury.

My point at the end of all this is that Winter for me brings back all of this. Perhaps it's the air of winter -- Icy, relenting -- accompanied with rain of all kinds (Australian winter is particularly unique, allegedly Canadians who frequently are used to cold weather find the Australian winter so difficult? Who would have thought!). Winter, I suppose, harkens back to our primality and reminds us of who we were and who meant to be. 

I think I become an animal winter, trying to perfect something that was never designed to be perfected, but uniquely irregular and sometimes good.