i cant really describe it so I'll just look at you for now, hoping that you can see through my eyes
"in these four walls it makes you feel so small
but I think I'm waking up in spite of it"
its Thursday of the second week as of now. Classes are fine, teachers all the same, yet i cant shake this feeling that everyone hates me, that they can all see right through me.
I don't think have enough social awareness to know if I just reek of death or if I'm just schitzo
since long ago I've built myself on the ideal of individualism and selfishness, that no one one tell me who I am, or what I can be, that I don't care what you think and to just be as me as possible
this helped me a lot in middle school but now I think it might be catching up to me
you know what they say, what goes around comes around, I can only run for so long and so far
I really want a girlfriend and a highschool romance, but I know there's a long list of things I have to get through before that happens
it also doesn't help that I hate almost everyone, I just want someone like me, though knowing me that would probably end badly
no matter how well I can act like there's something behind my eyes that no one should see. I don't think I'll be able to get away with keeping a girl anyway
plus I'd swore that I'd never tell someone again or try to pull someone down with me
I've accepted my fate
I just really wanted to see all my friends one last time
I know that one of these days I'm going to wake up and i wont be there to stop myself
I'll just feel it in the air, when the weather is just right, when I have all my notes written and in order, when it's just a little too heavy and getting up in the morning takes the effort of running a mile
I don't like when my grandma says she misses me, I'm not the type of person you should miss, not the type of person you should keep track of eitherÂ
I never did know how that girl felt until now, its some shame, disgust, disappointment, sadness...
sorry for putting you through that, I should've just said yes
fuck I'm so sorry
in the end I still couldn't describe it, probably because I haven't figured it out myself yet
I've been trying not to think of it and to just ignore it but now I just feel sad and angry without knowing why
don't ask me about my past or my future, I'm not stoic, or mysterious, I'm just stupid
I just wish everything stopped moving
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GoldnSilver^^
You don't have to say yes to anything, though I xan understand why you feel bad for the girl. Getting a girlfriend isn't as hard as you think, and you don't need to be perfect to have a perfect relationship, people get together to lift each other up so they can become better- not because they're perfect. If you think everyone hates you, fine, believe that, but it won't change what they actually think of you whether it be true or not. Something I try to do is view everyone as if they see me in a neutral light, so there's pressure to do good and make a good impression, but less fear to act on making a good impression. You've gotten this far, haven't you? You're two weeks in, and whether you think you deserve it or not, people will miss you and keep track of you. You're doing it, it doesn't matter if you do it good or bad, but just showing up to school and trying is enough. Enough for a random person on the Internet, at least. :>