I WISH..

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and that these experiences happen to you.

It takes a lot of work, but work on believing in the people who tell you that they love you. There are people who genuinely mean it and who do love you. I know it is hard to believe it, but something you can do to help yourself believe them is match an action to the word. For example: "they helped me when I was feeling sad, I now feel better, they do love me". You'll want to format it that way as well, [action] [feeling] [they do they love me]. This will rewire your brain to be more intune with matching action with words. 

That being said, do not base your value on how people act. People will treat you poorly, do bad things, and be hateful for no reason. It isn't a reflection on you, it is a reflection on them and it is important to remind yourself of that. What I recommend to do is to remind yourself that the action is not against you, but instead an action that shows their own personality. So for example, lets say someone blocks you out of no where, tell yourself "this person has blocked me not because I did anything, if I did they would have talked to me, they blocked me because they are angry. It isn't my fault." This will help remind you to not take it to heart, and that it isn't you, it is them.

I'm so sorry that you hate  yourself, loving yourself is the hardest battle to face against yourself. What I recommend is to find one thing about yourself every day that you like or love. It can be as small as, my eyes are very pretty to as big as "I helped this person today with this, I am a nice person". This will build up confidence and make you view yourself in a more positive light. Slowly, over time, it will build confidence, self love, and become much easier to do.

Lastly, you are special. Every person is special in their own way. Maybe you are really good at a niche thing, maybe you know a lot about a niche topic, maybe you're a killer baker, a killer writer, a wonderful singer, or maybe you're just absolutely wonderful at being you. People are special because they are authentically themselves, and nobody can be them. Every person is different, every person is irreplaceable. You are special because you are your own person, and you are you, and that makes you special. Your value is not based on others.

You don't have to listen to any of my advice, you can completely ignore me, but I am sending you all my positive vibes. I truly hope that it gets better for you and that you feel better, nobody deserves to feel this way.