2/15/2025
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be content. I imagine a torrent washing over the world as I stand in the center of it all, still and seemingly impalpable. Or maybe contentment is being fluid, moving with the ever-changing flow of the world and embracing the chaos of it all.
In truth, I think I'll never know. In the past year I've taken up lessons in language and music and secured employment for my future; all for the sake of becoming a better human. It's in vain. How can I be content when I'm oblivious to myself and those around me? I want to be good but I simply am not. I am me, despite myself. However unfortunate that is, it's also my problem to deal with and no one else's.
Maybe happiness lies in victory over ones self; knowing that you're capable of losing but also recovering from loss. I used to be naive in thinking that I had nothing to lose. The truth is you never run out of things to lose. It's just a matter of weighing gradual loss with immediate loss. I have the choice of watching everything fall to pieces over time or to walk away from it. Instead, I chose to look away.
There's something I've kept quiet about. I made a bet with myself that I will do what I can to succeed and if I do, then my reward is success. On the other hand, failure will result in my ending. It's a creative solution to a difficult problem. I'll improve or I'll die. A trial by fire.
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