Nihilism is the best

I don't even know why I try anymore. Everything I do is a joke to them. Anytime I try to be real with them, I just get met with slurs and insults. Maybe it's because of my bitchy attitude but who can blame me. I got rapped, harrassed for being a pagan, got attacked by homophobes, and currently sitting on a toilet seat in my school's hideous bathroom thanks to the fact that it's an all-boy school. Nothing I do will ever be enough for anyone. Everyone will gladly suck each other's dicks but when I just want to be included suddenly I'm a sex offender. Says the bitches who say the N word. Says the bitches who make fun of autism and down syndrome. Says the bitches who say they're gonna rape and burn me for being a "witch" when I'm just not a Christian. Morality my ass. No one here supports me. All everyone's concerned about is my ability to fit into the norm. The boy I thought could actually like me would rather have me dead by suicide even though he says he's just some "chill guy who hates non-Christians and will threaten to beat you up if you just annoy him slightly" guy. I thought my teachers would like me. And for a while I did, but turns out all thy care about is making sure a child in their hands don't kill themselves under their "care." Maybe it's because I grew up slightly wealthy and was isolated long enough from the real world. Or maybe it's because my parents never taught me to express emotion healthily because they were too focused on work. Or maybe it's the continuous heartbreak from every boy who I thought could prove that ugly fags like me could actually have a chance at love. Or maybe it's everyone abandoning me the moment I'm not longer pretty for their hearts. Or maybe it was the priest who raped me. Or maybe it was me trying to kill myself afterwards. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm lazy. I can't even feel happiness without the dreading thought of it all flashing away. Nothing is eternal, so what's the point? I get that there's probably some optimistic hippie shit to that whole 'nothing is eternal' stuff, but honestly? I can't see that. Nothing in me feels good. I don't feel good. I feel like throwing up the chicken and rice I had for lunch right now. Skipping class, sitting on a toilet seat, writing to a blog on a website that probably only has like 100 users and there's a good chance 40% of them are old men wanting for fulfill their disgusting fantasy. I just have to stay here for 40 more minutes and the bell will ring where I can go back to my empty apartment since my parents are working on the other side of the country and my sisters are too busy hanging out with their normal friends to care about their younger, weird, sadistic, faggy brother. But I might just be over exaggerating.