not a good start for my first blog, but why not (divorce mention?)

today was supposed to be an early celebration for my 15th birthday, seems like my parents had other plans

i'm tired today, so my explanations will be somewhat vague

all i know is that my mom has some delusion disorder, her jealousy makes the relationship between her and my dad dysfunctional. i think it has been for years. there was a point where she tried to kill him and resorted to physical violence. strange enough, her most violent years were when they were still in love

it's a lot more muted now. my mom has gotten sweeter, but i'm so tense around her, and now i know why

i know there's a part of her that emerges when she's angry, and i saw it again. 

i try to disconnect during their arguments. it was hard because it was in the car. which is the worst places to have an argument. my father is a loyal man and i will die on that hill, but my mother has always been suspecting him of cheating or making advances on other women.  a woman, who i see as a kindhearted and fun-loving auntie was walking with my father as we were shopping. mind you, they were discussing their plans for my grandma's nostalgia party thing, i guess. but that sent mom off of the edge

listen, i understand, my father still spends his time around exes but it is purely because he sets up choirs and doesn't hold any romantic attraction towards them because he has always been devoted to mother and the Lord. plus , he gets over things easily and rejects any advances made by other women. the kind hearted auntie was a woman who, well, cheated on him. and i can see where my mom is coming from again, but she has been doing this for years, even to women that are innocent

when they argue, it's the only time they can communicate. i don't blame them. when they're in a calm state they don't budge each other about boundaries because it always ends up in an argument or they turn a blind eye. now that they're already angry, it's the only time they can express anything to each other. which never goes well, since one is an entitled and self absorbed woman unable to open her worldview to the possibility that she is wrong and the other .. well, i guess he does provoke her, unconsciously, sometimes consciously. 

i just know they were speaking in tagalog for the most part. i tried listening to music, pressing my phone to my ear and looking out the window, visualizing me and God together. all of the sudden my mom , with shaky hands begins attempting to call and text my auntie, slamming and slapping his phone. now my father is someone who doesn't like bringing others into their business, so freaked out, he presses the breaks so hard we lunge forward.

i didn't know why he did this at the time and assumed he was angry. after all my father has a tendency to speed when he's angry. that was enought o send my mom over the edge and she starts attacking him and i start panicking and hyperventilating  . while all of this is happening he stops at a random neighborhood so i flee out of the car and try to distance myself from dad and mom. im able to mellow out really quickly since im good at that and my father talks to me and apologizes

i expected this already, but my mom and dad now explicitly stated that they're going to file a divorce soon. my dad said he will if amother incident like this occurs but my mom's BEEN set on it since a few montsh ago

i can't say i'm sad, i guess i'm not. it's better for parents to be apart than to be together, sometimes. they live in separate worlds and none of them want to engage in couples therapy . i'd be glad to have seperate houses. i just dont know what to say to the judge. i dont want either of them to be imprisoned

when i went back home i was scared my mom might kill me or something so i had scissors and knives placed on my second desk like some mad scientist and a chair poised against the wall where there was an open window above, but she didn't do anything

everything will be fine from now on if i keep my head up