since i was a kid, i feel like i've been surrounded by all sorts of different artforms, a lot on the internet. i feel like i often had to retreat into my inner world a lot because of my difficult home life. i wasn't the best kid, i feel like my chaotic childhood left some scars, but regardless i still made up stories and drew and listened to music.
and since high school, i don't have much of a motivation to do any of that. i still write and draw, and listen to music, but i feel like i should be better at it. i've been in a depressive state for a while now that i find it hard to be motivated to do anything. i feel like people think my artwork sucks and i never really written any full stories, and i just want to inspire others, just like how all that media i saw as a kid inspired me.
and now instead of my teenage years being a time i perfected my craft and really explored who i was, i feel like they've been wasted away, as i rotted in isolation and my mental health got worse. i still want to try and create things but i just wish i learned sooner instead of wasting years of my life away. i stood in the shadows of everyone else in high school and since then i feel like my drive shut down. i just hate myself now. sometimes i wish i could start my life over but in ways i feel like i was doomed from the start.
again, i'm still hoping to redeem myself and create things that capture the imaginations of other people, that i can create something worthwhile and make lifelong friends and even a career out of it, that's a big reason i want to go to college, but there's this deep void in me, stressing about the things i did instead of the things i should've done, i feel like crap.
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Anisa Mazaki
I'm an Artist/ Illustrator who has been drawing for over 2 decades and who also happens to suffer from depression, procrastination etc etc, so in a way, I can relate to how you think and feel in this moment, cuz that's pretty much been me, most of my Life. I would often get bullied online (and in real life, even from my own mother) over my Art, my personality/ if I had personal boundaries, over my views etc and I have actually attempted to "self exit" twice over the years because of it. I would stop drawing/ feel unmotivated for long periods of time as well before making an attempt. I used to do Animation when I was younger as well and I eventually stopped doing that too and now I'm in a weird situation where other Professionals in the Industry are disappointed that I quit on Animation, cuz they had expected me to like...eventually join them at some point, and so they spend time checking in on me, trolling me (playfully) trying to get me to go back into having an interest in Animation.
I used to think I wasn't sh*t/ had no value (because of the bullies)...until people started taking my Art or aspects of my life and making content with it, like how this yr I got to find out that some vtuber girl from Brazil took my Candy OC piece from 2015 - (see coloured img below), and she made a replication of it for her content. It was the weirdest thing to see, cuz most Brazilians I've encountered do not like me, so to see one trying to piggy back off my work was...surreal, if that's the word to describe that feeling. People do use aspects of my Art all the time, from coloring Linearts to using Vectors I made, but that particular one caught me off guard this year. I knew people liked my Candy OC but I didn't expect that o.o This yr I was gonna update her design, but then when I found out that a Brazillain vtuber borrowed it to make their own version, I stopped drawing...
Considering that you're 18 - or so your profile says, I would say that in regards to Art, you still have alot of time to learn and practice. Anybody at any age can learn how to draw or make any kind of content they feel passionate about. The only thing that has age limits is if you're trying to find a job in Corporate Spaces, where Art is a business. eg doing Animation. Films, Gaming etc. Alot employers in companies prefer younger people to work for them, but if you're a Freelancer/ working for yourself or a Director or something owning your own Studio etc, you could work, up until you're in your 80's if you wanted to.
i'm sorry that all happened to you, and i hope you're doing better now. my family sees my work and some of them praise it, but yet i feel like most of them don't really care. my art, as it is right now, is pretty lackluster and i want to learn how i can make better stuff because i feel like i'm definitely capable of learning. i wish i done more with my teenage years in general, but i've been learning that even being 18 leaves enough time to make a life worth living, and that's something i want to do, concerning art but also in general.
i just hope when i do eventually make animations and better looking art, i just hope i ignite a spark in someone, someone who will say "that's pretty cool" or "this means something to me" towards something i created. i hope that happens one day.
by stevee; ; Report