Vent (TW; SH, h0m1cide,etc)

Sometimes I sit and think about 2024 it was such a bad year for me personally; that year I broke completely I was in and out and back in into the hospital and mental facilities every month, remember just how wanting to D13 and wanting to k1// others I was really unstable, and I was in extreme psychosis 

there was signs leading up I tried asked for help before 2021 but I was shutdown so that build up I was so over it so when I got the cops called on me and sent away I no longer cared I was so determined to just d1e and harm others (one of the times I was in the loony bin I ended up fighting this one girl and they needed up putting me to sleep to stop the fight)

But since I was 6 or so years old  I was never really here I've always been in DPDR and even back then I wanted to harm people, I would draw it out later on I remember I would t0rtur3 frogs I found outside to death in many different ways (not my best days I was a kid, sorry frogs ð«©ð)  then I would burry them in this grave yard I had and later later on when I was 11-12 I ended up harming someone really badly they ended up in the hospital (I've apologized to them ð also it's awkward because they are in my class this year..) they didn't snitch on me since I threatened to do worse if they told on me (yikesss me... I lowkey confessed 2024 at the facility I was at but they let me go since it was 3 years ago at the time and I was already deal with a lot) anyways I did a lot of bad things that lead up to crash

 but I didn't just have h0mic1dal ideations and I was extremely depressed like I said I was repeated and constantly h4rming myself, and trying to unalive myself in different ways  (I remember I would harm myself 2021 and then write and draw with my bl00d) I remember I couldn't get up to take care of myself, I just wanted to go, I didn't wanna be here that's why I kept trying again and again; I remember the psychiatrist tell me that he's never seen a patient so determined to d1e I wanted him to shut the fuck up I did not wanna hear that at all. (Also remember I was put on su1c1de watch lot most of the time I was there expect for the last 1-2 days -- since even in the faculties I would find ways to hurt myself and try to off myself--)

 During my first stay I was diagnosed with severe major depression and given some medication I already knew I had depression tho because 2021 when I asked for help I was ignored like I mentioned but cops forced my dad to get me diagnosed with depression and I had medication at the time but my dad ended up cutting it off so 2024 they gave me much stronger meds which still did not work since I kept coming back and felt worse 

Later on though my stays I was also diagnosed with complex-post traumatic stress disorder, depersonalization / derealization disorder, borderline personality, and dissociative amnesia the meds gave me never helped and after my biggest OD i remember I couldn't even take them anymore just thought made me nauseous and flashbacks from the amount of pills I took would make me wanna vomit even more 

Just so much shit happened 2024 That's all that I can really remember right now and my life leading up that year was just ass, a lot of fucking trauma it's too much to explain this is already so long But I'm surprised I remember so much I hate how I only remember the shitty things with my amnesia I would hope to forget something but no I can't only remember bad things and the rest I forget I can't tell you what I did today I have no memory just a few frames and I definitely wouldn't tell you what happened last week neither this week I forget things in hours, minutes, seconds it's really annoying when I can only remember the bad things sometimes I might be able to tell you a story from that day that's not bad but usually I can't remember it visual maybe a frame and that's all but I could tell you some of what happened (sometimes) the words just come out but I can't visually remember (same goes with traumatic and bad memories tho I can remember those better and visually remember it better like a short video but it's still grey out and the rest I can't visual remember the word just come out)

 i keep forgetting to what I was gonna type so next anyways I wanna talk positive 2025-2026 I've gotten much better without meds too ð³ I only take my anxiety meds sometimes when it's necessary! But I feel okay-ish I've been trying my best to stay positive, calm, force myself to fix my mindset and it was working lowkey but I still have those thoughts come back but I try to shoo them away from I do anyhting stupid and I distract myself with other things I'm glad I'm better now I still struggle but it's much better then back the so that's good! Idk what else I was gonna say I forgot I already forgot most of everything i said I don't wanna read that to right now or say anything I've already said so that's the end of the rant, I feel much better after getting that off my chest! Kay bye imma go read yaoi :p