lesbian’s lament

i might be the dumbest girl in the world. 

ok, so, today i finally reported the incident to the assistant principal, but despite all my preparation (i literally hand wrote 8 pages of incident reports), the a.p. didn’t take me seriously at all and i felt very invalidated and dismissed. it really shook me up and i felt like i couldn’t walk straight and i felt trapped in my own chest. but then afterwards, i went to my girlfriend’s house and just being with her calmed me down immensely. god, i missed her so much. i played with her dog a lot, duncan. he’s really strange but i love him. me and her hung out in her room for about two hours. i got really excited telling her about hannibal lore and to my joy, she listened. i love that about her, she wants to know things that i love, things that i hate, things that i do. and i love that i want to know the same things about her. we were watching spongebob together, and to my surprise, she cuddled close to me. i rested my head on the top of her deep purple hair, her fingers laced with mine. occasionally, her fingers would brush against the bottom of my face and she was so close and i couldn’t even manage to get out the tragic story of my hamster drowning without breaking into nervous laughter. we were ten minutes late to my friend’s birthday party because we spent extra time just laying together in her bed and watching spongebob. what a wonderful time. i was so comfortable and happy i never wanted to move again. 

when we were in the car, her mom driving me to the birthday party, i swear, we hit almost every single red light. i’m not spiritual, but i feel that the universe was in our favor today. one more red light, one more moment with you. as we were nearing the building of the party, you brought up our hands to your face, and i dared to brush the bottom of your lip with my finger. when we arrived, you stepped out of the car to walk me to the doors. we both played for a moment, and i really considered kissing you right then and there. but my eyes darted to your mom’s waiting car and the rushed timing and how i wanted things to be just right—-and then you leaned close to me and planted a kiss on my cheek. my legs swayed as i stared blankly at you as you waved goodbye and i managed to wave back. during the party, all i could think about was you. 

we called later that night, and even just hearing your voice was enough to make me feel that familiar warmth in my chest and the urge to prove myself worthy to you. i just ended up stuttering a lot and giving up on my sentences and looking stupid anyways but that’s okay bc you find it amusing and i like your laugh. i kept trying to bring up our day together today, the near touches, the peck on my cheek. i kept trying to tell you how much i wanted to kiss you today. but i chickened out. maybe i won’t next time.