car seat headrest

i kissed my girl to “my girl” by the temptations. just a few days ago, in fact. i remember putting on the cd she burnt me, wearing the heart locket necklace she bought me. i rested my head on the crook of her neck as she swayed with me and to my surprise i felt her kiss my cheek. i remember feeling like my heart should be racing, like i should be panicking. i remember feeling like i should be hearing the sound of my father’s voice in the back of my head, nausea building in my stomach. i remember feeling like i should be ashamed. 

but i didn’t.

my head was quiet for the first time in a while. my hand found her chin and turned her towards me and i kissed her. i still can’t believe it. it wasn’t frantic or messy the way my first kiss was with my ex—it didn’t feel like an obligation or a chore. it was soft and sweet and it made me want to cry. as i continued kissing her, i closed my eyes, breaking away to simmer my overwhelm of emotion. it’s a sad thing. to love someone so much and know deep in your mind that you’ll always be seen as something sinful. and yet, each time i pulled away. she would pull me closer. thinking about this now makes me want to cry again. 

i see her at school and she instantly makes me feel at home, far more than my own house does. she lets me rant about the unimportant; grades, shows, movies, music. she lets me tease her, laugh with her, cling to her. everyday i fall deeper for her and i know it should scare me but it doesn’t. 

i’ve been listening to car seat headrest for a while now. my dad found out about it and got really angry at me because the singer is gay and the songs are about his relationship with another boy. i kept a still face and with a light voice i swayed my father’s rage and he believed my lies. i feel guilty for deceiving him but i don’t think i’ll ever feel guilty for loving her.

anyways, you should really listen to car seat headrest. 

—-

here are some lyrics i found meaningful to me:

“you can text me when punching mattresses get old”

“we were wrecks before we crashed into each other.”

-Sober to Death

“you never lifted your voice, you never raised your hand. i only showed you my inhuman, you understand.”

-Nervous Young Inhumans

“it’s more than what you bargained for, but it’s a little less than what you paid for.”

-Destroyed by Hippie Powers

“i got so fucking romantic, i apologize, let me light your cigarette.”

-Cute Thing

“keep smoking, i still love you. but i don’t wanna die.”

-High to Death

“there’s no devil on one shoulder and angel on another, they’re just two normal people.”

“don’t you realize? our bodies could fall apart at any second. i am terrified, your body could fall apart at any second.”

-Bodys 

“you can never tell the truth. but you can tell something that sounds like it.”

-Happy News for Sadness

“i haven’t looked at the sun for so long, i’d forgotten how much it hurts you.”

-Twin Fantasy (Those Boys)

“these teenage hands will never touch yours again. but i remember you, you had a body. you had hands and arms and legs and etcetera.”

-Famous Prophets (Stars)

“you have no right to be depressed, you haven’t tried hard enough to like it.”

-Fill In the Blank

“i didn’t want you to hear that shake in my voice”

-1937 State Park

“we said we hated humans. we wanted to be humans.”

“your ears perked up. i perked up when your ears perked up. you were all looking around, and i hoped it was for me.”

-Beach Life-In-Death