This is my first blog on here, so I thought I would just write a little bit about what has been going on in my life lately, which admittedly is not much.
When school ended, I could not have been more relieved. Ninth grade was probably the most depressing and miserable school year of my life (so far anyway 0_o) and I honestly hated every second of it. Every day at school was absolute hell. Every day was the same, and as time passed it grew harder to distinguish them; days turned into weeks turned into months and so on, a mess of entangled memories all congealed together to form the year, which exists in my mind as all this misery condensed into a single moment in time.
I feel that I have wasted almost the entirety of June, as I had planned for this summer to be much more eventful. I’ve spent the first half of summer mostly staying in my room, watching movies or scrolling, walking to the grocery store with my mom, drawing and writing and reading…. Anything really that doesn’t require much effort. Sometimes I’ll take a walk through the neighborhood in attempt to feel more present in the moment, something that has been hard for me lately. I’ll walk down the same path that I always do, passing by the baseball field, the liquor store, the playground.
The most interesting thing to happen to me this summer is certainly getting to meet with a friend of mine who’s visiting Berkeley for the summer. I met him in seventh grade, but we only really became closer friends after we both graduated, around December 2025. When eighth grade ended he moved a few hours away, for school. While we never spoke too much in middle school, we shared a lot of interests in ecology and biology, which I thought was cool. He is a very unique person, and thought about him all the time after he moved away, and we didn’t see each other for a while. I really thought I’d never get to see him again, but we met up twice during winter break while he was visiting, again. This came as a surprise to me, because I thought that he had probably forgotten about me by now. We always meet at the park, for long walks or hikes. We talk mostly about animals, nature, plants, or things of that sort, and I always learn a ton when we talk.
We met up again on Friday, and took a long walk by the marina. I had such a good time, and we saw a ton of wildlife, including a flock of turkeys, many ground squirrels, and two cats. I feel like we could walk and talk forever, but of course at the end of the day we went our separate ways back home. I wish every day of summer could be like that.
On the topic of friendship, I sometimes wonder if my friendship with a girl I met back in sixth grade is coming to an end? She’s a year younger than me, and she just graduated from the same middle school that I went to this year. As we’ve grown older, I feel like we have become very different people. We don’t share many interests, but I don’t think that you need to have everything in common with someone to be their friend. Like me and my friend who I spoke of in the previous paragraph don’t share taste in music or film, but we find other ways to connect. Anyway, most of what we talk about together nowadays is this boy that she has been talking to for a long time, not in a romantic way necessarily, in fact she really hates the guy most the time, which is completely justified, because this boy is the WORST! I have told her how I don’t think that continuing this relationship with him is good for her, as it’s clear he’s only using her to get closer to her friends that he wishes to pursue. She knows this, I think, but she can’t seem to distance herself from him as I have suggested. I don’t want to talk about her and this boy too much, as it’s a complicated situation she has found herself in with him, but all that is to say how I feel like as soon as that relationship slowly starts to diminish so will ours. I don’t really know what I’m saying with this, I guess I just think that she might start losing interest in me soon, but I don’t know. I trust that whatever happens between us in the future that I’m grateful to have known her for so long, and I hope she gets rid if that shithead boy soon.
As for myself, I have been feeling quite melancholic for the past few weeks. I have no one to blame for this sadness but myself though, as I have stopped taking my antidepressants for quite some time now. I hate how numb I feel when I am on them, but the alternative is not much better. I’ve also been lying to my therapist about pretty much every aspect of my life for a while now, which has gotten me to get to go there every other week instead of weekly, now. Besides my depressive thoughts, I have been doing awfully, physically(?). I have never really spoke about this to anyone before but since maybe eighth grade I have been struggling with disordered eating. I have found myself stuck in the binge/starve cycle for what seems like forever, even though it’s mostly just been binging lately. Either way I feel awful, after eating so much I feel so full of hate and a sickening feeling of shame that sits deep in my stomach, but I also feel so empty without the dopamine rush that comes with binging. It sickens me so much I feel like I could die.
To conclude my long and discombobulated rant I can say that I am exited for July. I really feel like July will be a the best month I’ve had in a long long time.
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