you'll be the saddest part of me

do you think you'll ever look at me and see what i see? 

yeah, sorry, that's a stupid question. i don't think so either, too obvious.

i wish i could just get a new life, i wouldnt care until i'm too far away to look back and do something about it.

i just wanted you to love me but i guess that's too much to have for myself, isnt it? i misunderstood the rules of parenting, apparently.

the saddest part is that i never ever really expect something from you and yet i still get more and more disappointed every single fucking time i hear you.

you and your stupid questions, you and your stupid answers, you and the fact you're so ignorant and then so self centered and then you still hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek and i melt because that's all i ever wanted from you.

i need to detach but god how can i do that? i want to laugh every time i think of it.

it scares me so much. i shouldnt be this scared, i'm not, college is great (at least in the start), i'm scared when i'm with you and i can't say the same things. but i'm growing and you'll have to deal with it. or maybe kick me out.

and kick and kick and kick even when i'm down, every single time, you kick further and shake your head with disapproval and kick once, twice, and again and again.

god i need a cig. 

misery loves me, god loves to destroy my life and then put on a small pacifier for god (himself) knows how long. misery loves me like it loved her and shit i can't get enough sometimes, i wrap myself around it and i don't pull out until i remember it's fucked up.

i need to detach from you and let go, but how could i ever? this will be the saddest part of me.

you always want more and more and more (yes, and!) and yet when i give it all to you, my full and all that i have, you still look disappointed.

i laugh and then cry, and laugh again because it's so stupid, i always get treated the same yet i can't get enough from it. i can't seem to wrap my mind around it, because normal people don't have it this way, but i guess we were never normal, right?

God forgive me if i ever go and not look back. God help me, i prayed a thousand and billion times, didn't you hear me? the twelve year old crying his eyes out? you didn't? Maybe i need more faith. Or i just wanted to be saved. If i do again, will you hear me again? I'll get you tattooed in my skin and veins and in my blood, to die in your arms is to die with a pacifier, remember?

I remember.

07th? March 2026.