everything is ‘do it for the plot’ to me

I’m not terribly angry that the things that have went terribly wrong in my life has happened because to me, it’s either validating, entertaining or both. I think the only things that make me actually suffer are things that I cannot control like people making bad choices for me that I can’t reverse, accidentally hurting someone and not being able to control/fix the harm I caused, or being transgender and feeling my body mutating in a way it shouldn’t…But if I can control it, I’m completely fine with it.

I enjoy self-harming, though I rarely do it anymore due to the enjoyment being a little less than how scared I get because I’m a WIMP. I also am completely fine with being chronically ill and having a pinched nerve in my leg. I don’t really care. It does get annoying sometimes but I like the angst I get from it. 

Being abused by my mother? Hurts a little, but it’s entertaining. It makes my life special. Getting groomed by my father? I don’t care. Getting sexually assaulted by my father and sexually harassed at school? It only hurts if I think about it too much; other than that the label of ‘victim’ is merely something I wear to be occupied. I don’t care that I was verbally abused, I don’t care that I’m an emotional incest victim, I don’t care that my mother despises me and raises her voice at me constantly. I don’t care that I am deeply mentally ill. The memories, the status, the trauma and my emotions, it all keeps me occupied. What would I be without my traumas? 

Terrible things have happened to me. But it only really hurts in small episodes where I think too deeply. The pain and the disorder has grown to be familiar, like my own personal family, separate to the family that made me like this. I’m comforted by the anarchy to the point where I hardly even see it as something to be fixed. I think I’m more comfortable staying with a fucked up body and brain. I’m still somewhat rational, I’m just… completely different to anyone else who I see. I may not even be as ill as I believe myself to be. I am deeply normal to myself, though that normality is outlined by the knowledge that I am completely and utterly odd.