everythings worse as usual

As per usual, things have only gotten worse. Y'know, sometimes whenever i sit down and write these, i only talk about negative things. Ever since i submitted all of my stuff to AI for ""analysis"" i've been trying to give things a second chance; try to see things from a different perspective. But alas, its for naught. I literally just ordered this ipod-clone from innioasis and in my attempt to install rockbox, it fucking failed, now i cant use it until i (hopefully) get home today. I'm sure i wont stay home for long, something will happen. 

the passage of time is very irritating. i think the whole "not knowing what's gonna happen next" thing is extremely unenjoyable. I don't like making plans, nor being on a schedule, because its like im RSVPing the time i couldve had, just for any future unwritten plans of mine to be ripped away from me the same day. I have a math test wednesday, and havent studied. about two periods from now, i have a major assignment due in english that i havent even really started on. I wont even be in my last period class, ill be outside in the cold for an honor roll celebration, watching a movie on a screen 40 million meters away. great.

like i cant believe it broke the one day i tried to do anything with it? My grades might be shot, but im not going to bring myself to rush to do it. School takse enough of my time everyday, im not going to bother going home and working unless i fix the ipod-clone thing. usually things break at least a week after getting them, i guess i should expect the unexpected.

everybody isnt a complex person. i refuse to believe sonder is a real thing. the stupid fucking idiots i interact with on a daily basis arent living a complex life. I literally cant push myself to not sound selfish and stuck-up. apparently, i feel the need to validate my existence. in other news, apparently, i say apparently a lot. Im not disagreeing with the analysis, but i dont want to be someone stuck in their ways, feeling like im the only person on earth who's lived a life like mine, and am therefore right to feel how i want to.  however, i can't bring myself to feel like everybody's life is as complicated and catch-22ish as mine. I feel selfish for feeling how i do, but i wont change.

im really tired of everything. how do people do this everyday? It takes a lot for me to lose hope in something or someone, but as i get older, i find it that more and more people and things aren't worth hoping for. There used to be this girl i was friends, and we stopped being friends over something i said. I'll probably tell more about this later whenever i come back and reminisce about the relationship, but i remember essentially chasing her down emotionally in an attempt to be friends. we wont ever be friends again. 

most relationships arent worth it. most people arent worth it. I wish lessons like these were taught and not learned. 

i talk about this a lot, but the only reason i dont kill myself as soon as i get home is because i dont know what comes next. I think once i lose hope in life, ill probably just end it. If college is anything like this, id probably kill myself while there. But you never know, maybe college solves all of my problems! maybe every single social issue is resolved and i no longer have to endure humiliation, or experience embarrassing moments, or the lack of a real friend group! Can you sense the sarcasm?

After submitting all of my writings to ai, i learned a lot of new (to me) words! like, anhedonia and schema; i cant wait to make these things my entire personality and reference them more going forward. It pointed out my "hyper self-awareness," which of course, i havent been able to forget about. I become aware of myself noticing my behaviors, now i think its kind of corny. 

still, nobodys left yet, but they will