Existence vs. Non-Existence

I still wrestle with the idea that non-existence is preferable to existence.

It contradicts everything that I believe and everything I know to be true. I don't know what I was before I was born, but I was at peace - if I was an I at all. When did I become? I don't remember, of course. Maybe it was when I was just an egg in a chain of unknown brothers and sisters who were spared the Great Becoming. Perhaps it was later, when I was conceived. Maybe I always existed; a celestial ovum floating between the dark matter of the universe and the thin sliver of time itself.

I struggle with the mental endurance that seeks to ensure that my genuine self can further darken any positive experience that life tries to offer regardless of whatever chemical cocktail my psychiatrist bathes my brain in. 

I have come to believe that I am just destined to be me, even if me is just a self-tortured hollow reflection of who I want me to be.

It is interesting though, that somewhere between indefinite suspended existence and emerging into this world, the space of comfort lasted until I turned seven years old. How can that happen? How can 14.5 billion+ years of peace be interrupted in just seven years?