existentence??

hi, 

this is like my first blog entry ever and it's very funny to me bc i could just leave it as an ongoing existential crisis and move on but it's just one of those things that keep me awake atm. i really wanna talk about it for once.

first i want to make clear, i know for a fact i'm not at all the first one to have had those thoughts but you may relate or i'm gonna confuse you with this. both are fine. 

i just can't understand how like this is all actually real. it's so weird to me, how am i supposed to live a life and think and have a conscious, and me having a brain that can think?? and there's so many of us and we have mouths which may have touched other people's mouths as a form of affection or whatever it is, i can just use my fingers to write this thing which we call a blog entry to tell other people how i feel about certain things, which is a word that we created (just like any other word ever in multiple languages) and we somehow understand each other through that because there's a certain way you draw letters and that's how we can write down sentences. we're humans and there's soso many years of us and somehow there's a thing called evolution but every decade or century or whatever we change as a whole besides that. there is the internet which doesn't make any sense to me and i don't want to understand it even because it would disturb me even more, like how it is all possible. artificial intelligence that we created in a way i do not understand which may ruin our lives. we live on a planet that at the same time we're destroying. what even is the concept of war? who thought it would be the best idea to kill so many people for the sake of solving a conflict? also why do civilists have to do this? and ik this in fact is a very popular thing people don't understand but it's just SO weird to me. but the core point is what even is thiis? what really is real, only what is scientifically proven? is science just a man made construct, too? 

maybe this all is why the matrix has been so fascinating to me ever since my dad showed me the movie when i was like 11. it brought all my thoughts into a movie and kinda gave ma an explantion? not saying we're actually living in the matrix, not at all... but how is it possible that we don't? 

i could say so much more about this, question LITERALLY EVERYTHING. i just don't think it'd do much bc it's just the same all over again. i literally don't understand existence at all. maybe that's why i should get my shit together and aim for a better sleep schedule. but how did we even ever come up with the word schedule? how was it all invented? words? 

i really want an explanation for every thing that's ever happened but at the same time, i don't.

good night people, idk what this was. being single isn't good for me

mimi