falteralterfalteralter

nothing can help me if i dont allow myself to be saved. deep down in the pits of hell awaiting for me, i do. i do want to be saved. i dont want to fucking die. 

but my lack of purpose and my lack of will, will get me killed. i know that. its always been like this. ive tried looking and searching and busying myself with things even i dislike but the feeling never goes away. it lingers, crouched at my peripheral. and never means forever.

its not all bad. my lack of determination could save others, you know. im stopping him from hurting more than himself. other people. ive seen his thoughts, so intrusive, it makes me so fucking disgusted. but hes still part of me, and the only way to kill him, to kill the danger, is to kill myself. 

but we fight. we keep fighting like this, over what to do, and we never end up doing anything. i guess thats why im still alive.

i dont know what to do with myself other than wait for the next worst thing to happen. ive lost everything and ive lost myself, the only person i havent lost will be someone ill hurt someday if i sew myself into their life. id rather fucking kill myself.

everyday ive proven myself to be hopeless.