feeling behind but embracing it nonetheless

brief suicide and sexual coercion trigger warning! 

with 30 being just around the corner, it's safe to say that i've spent a handful of weekends celebrating friends and their accomplishments. 

weddings, baby showers, engagements, buying their first house, etc., etc.

and while i'm very proud of them, i often find myself coming home from these events feeling more disappointed in myself more than ever. hell, the only thing i look forward to after these parties is finally getting out of my bra and my sore feet touching the cold floor after hours of being sweatily strapped in some heels i found in the clearance section at dsw.

when i think about those moments i've been disappointed, it kind of feels ridiculous because its not like i haven't done things that i'm proud of; i've received two master's degrees, started a job that brings me joy (on most days), and i've been able to help my mother out financially during some of the toughest moments in her life (e.g., car accident, transmission failing, my step father's attempt at ending his own life, etc.). surely these are no small feats, right?

i'm reminded of one post on tumblr(?) where someone was talking about how when they accomplish something, they never feel proud or a sense of relief because of course they were going to finish! there was no other choice! but if they were to make a small mistake or if there was a setback, then they were a failure and no good would come from their incompetence. while the text post was amusing to me at first (because of how relatable it was), i had to stop and think afterwards about why it resonated so strongly with me. 

my mom was a single mom a few years after i was born and i saw her live in fight or flight my entire childhood. still, despite her struggles, she never made me feel like a burden or that my very being was something that was bringing her down (though i feel like my love for limited too didn't help her bank account). however, i think seeing my mom work her ass off to provide for us - to keep food on the table and clothes on my back - really set the tone for my own work ethic and my overall sense of responsibility for my life. like, of course when i went to undergrad i was going to graduate. of course when i applied for my master's programs i was going to get them done and graduate with good grades. of course i was going to do everything i could within my financial means for my mother when i got my first "big girl" job. there was no questioning, just doing. 

but now that i feel like i can take my foot off the gas a little, i realized that living in my own version of fight or flight may have deprived me of strengthening certain relationships and experiencing new ones whether they would have been platonic or romantic. 

because of this, i feel so ill experienced in life at times. my last relationship was back in my freshman year of college and since then i've kept to myself. i'd like to think of myself as someone who has a lot of love to give, but i'm too scared to commit. i'm scared of being trapped in a cycle like my mother before she and my father split. i'm scared of being fooled into loving someone, only for them to switch up on me once they've earned my trust. i love love and i love the concept of being in love, but i think my brain keeps me from venturing too close to the edge. 

naturally, the questions from family members don't help my situation all that much either. cousins younger than me are popping out their second or third child and i'm still a spinster in their eyes. and it's funny i even bring up children because i'm not even sure i want them. more than anything, i think these feelings i harbor about my friend's accomplishments and big events stems from the pressure i feel from my family, both immediate and extended. i've seen firsthand the light leave their (the women in my family) eyes when they marry the wrong man. i see the stress and lack of compromise that leave them on the precipice of losing their minds and it scares me. i opened myself up to a man once (after my r/s in college) and i was naive to think that he invited me over to his house to cook for me and watch a movie (i'd never been on a dating app and i thought this was a reasonable date). i'll spare everyone the details, but in the end i was left carrying home the same plate of cookies i had baked him and his birthday card tucked in my purse because he said i "didn't need to do all that." 

you know what's crazy though?

despite this situation that had once left me paralyzed with fear, i've come to a point where i've forgiven myself for ever believing that the worst moment in my life ever defined me. shoutout to my prefrontal cortex for developing and having my back! 

when i find myself talking down on my accomplishments or feeling like i've wasted too much time, i try my best to counter that negative self-talk with these reminders: growth isn't linear, healing takes time, and every version of me was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time. everyone's timeline is different and mine isn't any less meaningful because i haven't experienced certain things or met a certain person yet. 

anyway, it seems like i've rambled on again but i just want to share that to anyone who's read this and possibly feeling like they're in a similar boat, i'm very proud of you. maybe you didn't think you'd get to this age in life or that you'd end up where you are at this moment, but your perseverance and will to take life one day at a time brought you here, and that alone is something to be proud of.

all my love,

gabriella